Pre or post?

We went camping this weekend again. I tried to imagine if you’d have enjoyed it or not.  Like me, you didn’t exactly embrace leaky tents, carrying loo roll in your pocket, the frizzy hair look or the grass in your sleeping bag experiences.  However like me you loved the annual toasting of marshmallows,  the little ones amazing energy for life, the glorious Welsh sandy beaches and the brilliant kind loving fun friends we have.

As we walked the narrow grainy road to the exquisite beach on the Peninsula I had to ask myself if when we came here last time,  was this pre or post Tes? Life has become divided into pre and post Tes. We went to this beach last year and of course it was post Tes.

Maybe it just feels like you’re around always and that blurs the lines. 

Maybe I don’t want to believe it’s approaching 16 months, the time seems false, a lie.  It can’t be that long. The pain is so raw and I’m still trying to believe it.

I walked alone for a few minutes just to think about you. I stood facing the intense blue sea and watched the boats dance gently.  For a second I felt someone, you, to the left of me, a light shadow.  I dared not look as I thought you’d go away if I did and for a second I felt you were there. Just standing with me.

As a sceptic I still don’t know if I wish things so much that I make them real. As I put my shoe on later, a bright penny sits inside despite me wearing them a few minutes before and when I get home a shiny white feather waits proudly on the dining room table.

I like to think you are watching over us.  So if you did, thanks a million for the weather! !! The rain lashed as we slept and the sun shone during the day!

Someone’s watching over us. It might be you, it might be family and friends and it might be me.

Whatever it is I’m thankful.

Miss you my baby girl, mum xx

I’m happy

These are the words I thought of this morning.

I’m happy.

I”d had a fun night last night.  An impromptu one.  I caught up with some good friends, drank more wine than I should, took some silly selfies.  I sat on a sofa outside!  I laughed and giggled at stories and listened intently at others.

Parts of my life feel more secure than ever and this morning I walked my dogs around the woods. The weather is warming up a bit. I came home to scrambled eggs and a newspaper to put my feet up to. 

Later I was in the kitchen listening to music and I thought, I feel happy.

No prizes for guessing what came next.

Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt. 

How could I even think i’m happy?

I rushed upstairs to Tes’ s room and I kiss my favourite picture of her and I rub my nose on her nose in the picture,   like I used to. She looks so happy in her photo.  A huge grin.  I miss you I say. You look so happy I say. I feel her looking back at me and wanting me to be happy too. 

Yet as I write I still feel the guilt.  I still feel it.  I know I will never feel the free happiness that I had.  However I know it’s ok to be happy and Tes would want it.

So, today as hard as it is to say;  I felt happy. And that’s ok.