On the 21st April 2013 my life changed, I went to pick up my daughter Tes, she was 10 days off her 15th birthday. A bright, lively, clever and passionate teenager. Her friends had dropped her off at her dads 10 minutes before I picked her up. Within those ten minutes she suddenly died from a huge cardiac arrest due to what we know is hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Tes had no symptoms of illness. After attempting CPR and getting help from Wales Air Ambulance and NHS Wales Tesni was pronounced to have died. It is the worst nightmare of any parent.
I had started to blog a few weeks before Tes had died, I love to write and it was inevitable that this then became my haven and for the best part of the last few years on a Sunday I have written a blog, not always about surviving the death of my child but also about living after losing Tes, about really living and trying to shake off the guilt that comes with it.
My life is different, I live with a broken heart and I always will. I will struggle on occasion with my anxiety that came after losing Tes and I will on occasion no doubt have bouts where I think I just can’t do it but I will mostly live my life, I will remain grateful for my 14 years and 355 days with Tes, I will continue to encourage my son to embrace this world in whatever way he wants, I’ll continue to try and make people smile, not moan about the trivial stuff, I’ve grown to respect myself and to know what I also deserve from people around me and I want to give back to those that love me.
Most of all if you have found yourself here reading this like I did on the 22nd April 2013 googling ‘how to survive the death of my child’ or ‘what to do when your child dies’ then I hope this site can bring you some help, it’ll be a different experience for us all, I found when I looked for help I did not fit in, I did not hide under my duvet, I had a son who needed me, I did wear mascara and I did eventually listen to music again. Everything I read made me feel guilty. Tesni was my world, I live with a third of my heart in pain and I can feel that pain every second but I am here and if I am here then I want to be here living my life as full as I can filled with love, passion and experiences.