Err…. my Sunday ‘afternoon’ blog…

​Eek.

 

Firstly I’m sorry.

 

I feel like I have caused a ‘scene’ and then gone – oh never mind, I was just joking.

 

I wasn’t joking though.

 

I gave up something I love when I don’t want to?!!!! 

 

That’s crazy and against everything I believe in. 

 

You have no idea how bereft I felt not having my blog to write this week.  I’ve written other articles this week for magazines and I get paid for it but I tell you nothing makes me feel like ‘me’ than this blog and I guess sometimes that makes me feel selfish.  I’ve been criticised that this blog is about telling people how great I am or accused that I’m writing undercover pointing it at some (I don’t)  and you know what that has affected me and it affected my ability  to write… but I need to be stronger than that!!!

 

So – if you forgive me, I’ll keep my blogging going and it’ll be just the same. Honest!


Lots of people said it was good to see me moving on but my blog is about moving on and reflecting and seeing and sharing.  

 

Thank you – thank you so much, honestly you have no idea how much I love the interaction and your feedback and your virtual hugs and just amazing niceness and positivity. It makes my life a better place and I hope I can make yours too. 

I feel slightly embarassed but being strong means sometimes you say you’ve made a mistake! So I’m back on the path that I should be!

Thank you and hey – Happy Sunday!!!!  

Dwys x 

 

XX

Bye bye X 

Quite possibly this is the hardest blog/article I’ve ever written.
It’s with a heavy heart that I’ve decided this is my last blog for Dear Ms.

 
Life has taken a curve and it feels this is the right time for me to stop.

 
I want to say a MASSIVE thank you to the following people.

 
To everyone who commented and liked and believed, you won’t know how it felt to put my life out there only for strangers and friends to give it love and support.

 
To those that ENCOURAGED me to write and even to those that were criticial because both lots gave me confidence to be me.
I want to send love and thanks to new friends that I have only met through blogging on facebook and wordpress.
I’d like to give hugs and affection to people that have messsaged me privately in despair and anguish hoping for some insight. I don’t think I always gave you what you needed but I spoke from the heart and with integrity. I hope your paths are more optomistic and encouraging. Message me anytime.

Lastly I’d like to …. I don’t know where to get the words from inside…. But I’d like to say to those that have found themselves in the same unbearable boat as me….. I want to say thank you for sharing and you are the only people that will ever understand what it’s like to lose part of your future. You’re the only people that know how hard it is to wake up every day and face the battle. On Friday night as I wept a little, someone said nobody sees this side of you, it’s not hidden but the truth is grief isn’t popular!

To end I’d like to say what I would’ve written about this week. I spoke to a GP in work who was suffering from a cold. Take some echinecea I said (it’s a herbal remedy) and he shook his head. I take echinecea as soon as I get wind of a cold and it never then turns into a cold. He’s a GP and what he knows is conventional medicine. Despite feeling ill and getting numerous colds he’d rather shake his head and not entertain something that he does not know.

 

What I say is – don’t turn your back on what you don’t know. Don’t judge something that you do not know. Take a chance. Take a risk. Love constantly. Be yourself. Stand up for what you believe. Don’t always strive to be popular – be you. Be passionate. Most of all BE YOU. Be kind but don’t compromise who you are. Be a good example. Learn. Care for.

 

Thank you so much. I’m indebted to those that have supported me to be myself without judging me and I will honestly love you always! Please keep in touch xx

 

Have a fantastic Sunday. A fantastic Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. FOREVER.

 

Much love always.

Dwysan xx

Be a whinge!?

 

So many things have happened this week it’s difficult to know where to start.

The single worst sentence I heard uttered was from Boris Johnson.  He asked us to stop whinging about Donald Trump.  Similar to what happened after Brexit, people were told to ‘just get on with it’. I do agree that voters shouldn’t be criticised personally, everyone has their opinion.  What I can’t put up with is being told not to whinge.

You see Boris, Donald Trump and his camp are sexist, homophobic and racist.  Trump refers to women as bimbos, dogs, pigs.  He thinks breastfeeding is disgusting.  He see’s women as pieces of art – something to look at.  His side-kick Pence wants to jail same-sex couples and he wants to take the money spent on HIV treatment and spend it on converting gay people miraculously back to being straight.  Donald also of course thinks that because he’s a star he can do anything to women, he doesn’t ‘even wait’.

Going back to Brexit.  Within 24hrs of the results Nigel Farage spoke live on TV and said it had been a ‘mistake’ to pledge 350 million pounds to the NHS during their campaign..  A mistake.

But we must not whinge.

If we did not whinge, women would still not have a vote.  If we did not whinge it would still be illegal to be gay.  If we did not whinge  poor children would still have to work at ten years old and not go to school.  If we did not whinge we would not have an NHS system, poor people would still have no access to decent healthcare.  If we did not whinge it would still be perfectly legal to hit your wife with a stick as long as it wasn’t thicker than your thumb (*rule of thumb*).

My belief is that we’re becoming more and more individual and less and less part of a community.  Take my village.  We don’t just care about people that we know in the village. We’re a community.  When I found an old guy lying in the street years ago, I didn’t think – oh well I don’t know him so I won’t bother doing anything.  When I found a mobile phone on the road a few months ago,  I don’t think about the fact I’ve no idea who it belongs to, I try to find its owner.  When I come across a couple that I don’t know looking for their dog I don’t dismiss them because I don’t know them.  Within the community boundaries we have an invisible duty of care to each other whether we know each other or not.

Why can’t we extend that to the next village, the next town, the next city, the next country?  We don’t have to know someone to care about them do we?

This week I faced an unusual situation.  I spent four days on a course with ten men.  I was rather intimidated!  However I embraced the situation and instead of sidling off at lunch time I joined them at the canteen table.  They were a bit uncomfortable at first but they came around.  We talked about where we’d been on holiday. I mentioned Brighton.  Full of gays said one.  Yeah, poofs said the other.  These weren’t horrible guys, I don’t even think they believed what they said.  It was macho.  The others laughed.  Some less than others.  I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t whinge.  I was cross with myself for it.  However I wanted to ‘fit in’ for those few days.  I was already battling with being called a ‘girl’ every five minutes and listening to the blokes being told to ‘watch their language in front of the lady’.  On day four, we talked about the environment.  I had an expensive bag once, said one guy.  I divorced her though.  Everyone laughed.  This time I didn’t stay quiet.  All I managed was, I’m sure she was very happy about that.  The others smirked.  One whispered to me, don’t take the bait, don’t bite he said.

Don’t whinge I guess he meant.

The thing is…..I’m a great believer in equality and fairness and I’m sorry Boris, Nigel and Donald while you’re still talking about grabbing women by the pussy, while you continue to say that women only go to University to find someone to marry and while you describe pregnant women in the workplace as a ‘disaster’…….I will whinge.

It’s called standing up for myself and standing up for others.

Happy Sunday everyone and happy whinging too!!

Lots of love X DWYS X

Be more sheep! 

Be more sheep! 

I was late again this week, despite the fact as usual I get up at six, 2 hours later I got in the car and I knew I’d be late for the course. Frustrated with myself I start the 30 mile journey and due to being late I encounter every single lollipop crossing on my way. This is just making me more late I’m thinking, Come on!

 
At one I end up waiting for what seems like twenty minutes but it was probably more like two. There’s nothing I can do but to accept it. I’m going to be late. Very late.

 
I look around. The lady in the fluorescent jacket with her stop sign has a cheery face with long blonde hair. I notice a young girl of about 9 walking towards her smiling, you could tell in that smile this lollipop lady was kind and funny. The 9 year old was looking forward to seeing her. On the other side a young boy of about 4 was about to melt my heart just because he looked ecstatically innocently happy, he skipped and grinned, his eyes lit up with everything he was hoping for that day, friends perhaps and toys and books and play. Behind him, his older brother, looking far less enthused and behind him was mum. She looked like me… …rushed, stressed, late.

 
It got me thinking about how we live. How the innocence of childhood grows into the frantic rush of adulthood. There’s no getting away from it for most of us. I can’t give up work or house or car and I’m certainly not giving up my dog or my son!!! I have responsibilities but I think that I need to slow down sometimes, take back the innocence of the four year old, run and laugh and savour rather than rush and frown and ignore. As we get older we absorb so many difficulties but we also are absorbing love and kindness and fun that sometimes gets trampled on …leading to fewer smiles and more frowns. I’m sitting here wondering how do I get it back? How to be that young person skipping down the road not worrying about my car or my job or money or health or time etc etc.

 
Worrying and stress is part of life but it shouldn’t be life itself.

 

On the same day I went for a walk and I saw a field of sheep. One sheep was running around and then hopping and trying to get the other sheep to play and then running again. I’d never seen a sheep behave like that before! It reminded me of the young boy earlier.

 
And there’s my blog this week, the realisation as we get older we may be less free but if we decided to we could be more like that sheep, living with what we’ve got but making the most of it.

 

Let’s all be more sheep!

 

Happy Sunday X X

Moments that mesmerise

If you follow me on Facebook you won’t have missed that I’ve had a WEEK off work and immersed myself in the beauty of Brighton for most of it. My first magnificent experience. I was asked to describe it in three words. Liberal, free and sexy!
Normally I drive everywhere but this time I took a train. A few trains really and I soaked in what was around me. It was fab to relax to watch a film (as an aside if you haven’t seen Spotlight then you must) ….and to watch the world literally whizz by. 

So much to see on our journey ….pigeons darting over the heads of busy commuters. A bearded man squeezing himself on to the tube with a massive cello. A smart dreadlocked guy in a beige suit looking frustrated. An obvious crowd waiting for the Brighton train, blue hair, shaved heads, piercings, skinny jeans. An annoying woman on a train who insisted on teaching her 4 and 6 year kids about conjecture adjectives ?? It’s half term I wanted to shout! A couple of guys speaking Welsh and of course drinking Grolsch. A woman who sat next to a stranger and proceeded to chat with him for the whole journey, I wondered in my day dreaming mind that they might hit off but he spoke about his wife. A lot. A young couple with two phones each on the go and a laptop, each. They didn’t talk to each other. The man caught me looking at his house plans. A woman asleep on the underground, standing up. A family of Americans elated at getting the right tube train. 
I get to Brighton and I’m literally in paradise from the moment I step off the train. In the four days I was there every single person I met was friendly! Everyone! 
What did I see? 
Two older guys walking down a narrow street with their arms wrapped around each other. An American offering a homeless man biscuits, he looked at her quizzically. Women kissing at bars, not worried. A man caught stealing a sandwich. A road bike that missed my nose by millimetres when it stupidly overtook some still traffic. A woman with pig tails skating on the prom. A bearded man sleeping in a bus stop. A bloke taking a break from his bike ride, smoking a joint looking out to sea. People smoking weed. A lot. Colourful beautiful graffiti. Everywhere. The Royal pavilion, picturesque. A church garden with gravestones but also a park where people sit. A woman wearing flowers on top of her head, shorts and mid length stockings. A red sky highlighting the fallen pier. Vegan restaurants. Lots of them. Short fringes. Children screaming on fair ground rides. Half a caravan used as a bar. A bath used as a seat in a cafe. A restaurant with wall to wall records for you to choose and play. A beautiful heavily tattooed blonde woman. Views of the sky blue fluffy sea overlooked by chalk white cliffs. An afternoon glass of Sauvignon blanc at a bar with a piano. An organic cafe with the best  victoria sponge . Much loved chats and time with my boy. Hugs from my younger ‘by 20 yrs but towering over me brother’ and his beautiful partner. Walks overlooking the marina. A ride on a Raleigh bike to an 18th century corn mill. A sausage dog in a bag. 
I could go on. 
It’s been a wonderful week, exploring new places, resting from work and resting my mind.

 I hope you had a fab week and don’t mind me sharing mine with you. I felt so fortunate I had to share.

 
Lots of love, happy Sunday X 

Sleeping with the trees

I love trees. Aren’t they amazing? They’ve been around for hundreds of years, they look so intelligent and worldly wide. Trusting. They’re particularly beautiful at the moment. Leaves of tangerine orange and tanned brown, some a sunshine yellow. I stood under this pictured tree on Saturday and watched the leaves occasionally fall delicately, dancing to their soft landing.

I take so much more notice of things than I used to. I couldn’t imagine saying I loved trees as a ‘cool’ silk cut smoking teenager!  It’s crazy how long it takes sometimes to appreciate those things that are out there. For free! 

I use my love of the outdoors in perhaps an unusual way when I feel anxious, particularly if it happens during the night. Since Tes I’ve struggled to sleep much more than five hours, usually no more than about 3 without waking fully. Fortunately I’ve never needed a lot of sleep (Tes was the same actually), so I’ve spent many a night annoyed that I can’t sleep. Many a night berating myself that I’ve eaten too late or drank too much wine. I’ve spent many an hour wondering did I send that email at work or have I got enough staff in? Sometimes I just notice my heart rate and that’s it. The more I notice the louder it gets. Once I’ve been through all that, it’s ages before my mind can become quiet enough to consider sleep.

So. This is where nature comes in. I’ve started my own little meditation mind map. It takes some of the principles of mindfulness but instead of concentrating on what’s going on now (that heart rate!) I picture myself going on my favourite walk with Lolly. I break it down to the tiniest of detail. To putting on her collar and noticing her coarse chocolate brown fur and her mismatched paws, her dark inquisitive eyes. Then I focus on my steps along the track taking notice of all the familiar spots like the heron normally standing proud down the side of the bank and the broken branches crushed into the moist grass under my feet. I hear the river swell and there’s always a breeze sweeping through my hair. I rarely get half way around my imaginary walk. Why? I fall asleep! 

I thought I’d share this because lots of people suffer from sleepless nights and it’s worked for me so who knows imagining your favourite place might work for you. Or it could be used as a simple self guided meditation. If you can’t get to the beach why not imagine it instead! It’s good for our overactive minds to have a break!

Thanks for reading, have a lovely Sunday and hopefully a peaceful night too 

Dwys X X 

The blonde

This week my blog is simply  a few minutes I observed from afar.

I drive to the meeting. I was late. Not only was I late I’d absentmindedly taken the wrong turning. So I’d chosen the long way around. And I was late.  Consequently I end up going through the busy town rather than around it. Consequently I’m stuck in traffic. For a long time.

I see her to the right of me trying to cross. She has that hippified look. Strawberry blonde hair, messy, little make up, baggy top but it looked effortlessly nice along with her tanned boots and faded jeans.

I lift my hand and signal to her to walk in front so that she can cross the road. She has a white plastic  bag. She now looks in a bit of a hurry.  She smiles her thank you towards me.

She begins to roll a cigarette while walking. Clever in its own way. It surprises me as she doesn’t look like a smoker.

She doesn’t light the cigarette. Instead she puts it in her back pocket for later. My eyes follow her as I’ve nothing else to do. Sitting in the traffic. Berating myself for leaving things last minute. I glance at the traffic ahead quietly persuading something to move. I stare at the traffic lights that have turned to green twice with no movement. So my gaze continues to follow her instead.

About 30 yards down the road she knocks on a white upvc glazed door. A dark haired older woman answers and  the strawberry blonde hands her the plastic bag,  then she crouches down to be at the same level as someone. An excited, barely toddling toddler, comes into sight. Toddler has a huge smile with gleaming eyes that only parents can demand. Strawberry blonde whispers in her ear and strokes the chubby cheeks. The curls on the toddler dance around as she gazes adoringly at her mum,still crouching she continues to talk and smile. She kisses her on her cheeks twice and they chat away in toddler speak.  After a minute or so Mum has to leave and as she does she walks away blowing kisses to curly mop toddler mouthing I love you, I love you, I love you and walks on to wherever she needs to be today.

It was only a few minutes but in a world this week where there is so much anger it can be easy to overlook love which really is around us everywhere.  It doesn’t make the news and it’s not fun to gossip about, it doesn’t sell papers and it’s not particularly easy to talk about or to even to  say at times.

I had two texts yesterday from friends telling me they love me,  I was quite taken aback as I’m not one normally to tell friends I love them, saving that for family and partners normally.  However it made me think we should be telling everyone we love that we love them!! It certainly made me feel happy.

It’s simplistic to say but wouldn’t this World be a much better place if we spread the love a little bit more! It all starts with one person!

Happy Sunday everyone, lots of love! XxX

love