These are the words I thought of this morning.
I”d had a fun night last night. An impromptu one. I caught up with some good friends, drank more wine than I should, took some silly selfies. I sat on a sofa outside! I laughed and giggled at stories and listened intently at others.
Parts of my life feel more secure than ever and this morning I walked my dogs around the woods. The weather is warming up a bit. I came home to scrambled eggs and a newspaper to put my feet up to.
Later I was in the kitchen listening to music and I thought, I feel happy.
No prizes for guessing what came next.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
How could I even think i’m happy?
I rushed upstairs to Tes’ s room and I kiss my favourite picture of her and I rub my nose on her nose in the picture, like I used to. She looks so happy in her photo. A huge grin. I miss you I say. You look so happy I say. I feel her looking back at me and wanting me to be happy too.
Yet as I write I still feel the guilt. I still feel it. I know I will never feel the free happiness that I had. However I know it’s ok to be happy and Tes would want it.
So, today as hard as it is to say; I felt happy. And that’s ok.