I’m happy

These are the words I thought of this morning.

I’m happy.

I”d had a fun night last night.  An impromptu one.  I caught up with some good friends, drank more wine than I should, took some silly selfies.  I sat on a sofa outside!  I laughed and giggled at stories and listened intently at others.

Parts of my life feel more secure than ever and this morning I walked my dogs around the woods. The weather is warming up a bit. I came home to scrambled eggs and a newspaper to put my feet up to. 

Later I was in the kitchen listening to music and I thought, I feel happy.

No prizes for guessing what came next.

Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt. 

How could I even think i’m happy?

I rushed upstairs to Tes’ s room and I kiss my favourite picture of her and I rub my nose on her nose in the picture,   like I used to. She looks so happy in her photo.  A huge grin.  I miss you I say. You look so happy I say. I feel her looking back at me and wanting me to be happy too. 

Yet as I write I still feel the guilt.  I still feel it.  I know I will never feel the free happiness that I had.  However I know it’s ok to be happy and Tes would want it.

So, today as hard as it is to say;  I felt happy. And that’s ok.

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4 thoughts on “I’m happy

  1. Dwysan your courage inspires, astounds and fills me with thoughts of you. tears in my eyes. much love to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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