**This post contains swearing**
I like to think of myself as a positive thinking person despite spending about 30 years living with anxiety. Actually make that my whole life. My first 15 years were spent being petrified of what my dad was going to do next… get another gun out.. lock us in the house… hit us… throw something at the wall… torment us… smash something… shout.. lock himself in his room for 3 days….(I’ve revisited and considered deleting this bit of the blog ten times but decided not to) …so those 15 years then led on to a life battle with anxiety and looking back it’s not hard to imagine why. I rarely talk about that abuse in detail. Ridiculously I still even now worry about repercussions. Crazy.
I spent ten years from about 16 to 26 fighting debilitating panic attacks… mostly on my own. I had really got to grips with my anxiety thanks to amazing books and my work at Women’s Aid…until I lost Tes… having spent the last few years in a war with A I’m beginning to feel more ‘normal’ but it’ll always bubble. I like to think I’m a fighter… trying to make the most of every day. Getting up every day after losing your child is really hard. Walking around with a permanent pain the size of a boulder inside your chest is exhausting but I’ve managed it and I’m proud of that strange achievement.
But… I caught myself this week walking around just going to do some shopping and I caught it.. that bloody voice in your head that’s not happy you’ve managed to keep going…that you’ve managed today…. do you know what it was saying??!.. you’re such a fuck up.. . you’re so fucked up.
For a few seconds my subconscious mind nods along in agreement but I stop in my tracks and question this voice…Excuse me?!? Fucked up. Who are you calling fucked up?!? What even is fucked up and more importantly why the hell am I telling myself horrible things about me when there’s enough of that going on in the world without me adding to it.
So.. just a little reminder really to watch out for that gremlin in your mind that tries to ruin your day or tell you you’re not good enough … watch out for it and when you hear it .. well…tell it to fuck off and remind yourself 3 good things about yourself and kick arse for the rest of the day!
Happy Sunday.. x x
I really really want my blog to be as positive as it can be. I rant quite a lot about things which I find unfair in life but here I thought I’d try to keep it light as much as possible but you can’t run away from yourself can you?! I’m incensed. Completely incensed. The Daily Mail with its hideous front page today blaming the death of those children on the fact their dad was on benefits – ‘vile product of the welfare society’ is what I think it said. I haven’t looked at it again. It actually made me cry a bit.
I’ve worked with women who have been affected by domestic abuse for years, I have been affected by domestic abuse for years. If there is one message in my work and in life that was top of the list in importance was that there are no excuses for violence. You are not violent due to drink or health issues or whether you are rich or poor. People make a decision to be violent, drunk and sober, on benefits or not. People don’t become violent because they’re pissed, they use it as an excuse. People aren’t violent because they lost their job, it’s an excuse. We control what we do, perpetrators control what they do. This ‘paper’ has to take responsibility for misleading the public – giving an excuse to perpetrators and also giving so little hope to so many.
How many of you have had money from the state? Benefits? DLA? Child benefit? Working tax credit? ESA? Crisis loans? Council tax benefit? Housing benefit? Pension credits? Childcare benefit? If you are lucky enough to say no great – but one day you might? I’m not saying the benefit system isn’t without people who take advantage at times. That’s life. And it happens everywhere. Banks take advantage of us, MPs take advantage of our money, some people don’t pay their taxes, some people don’t disclose a second income, some people fiddle their expenses. People aren’t perfect.
However, Daily Mail has linked millions of people who rely on welfare benefit with murder and people will believe it and the government will love it because it gives them more reason to cut the benefit system and save them cash. I want to scream and shout, I think many people in this country are being sucked in to this myth and can’t see the complete unfairness around us. We know that MPs are living in 20 bedroomed houses with no fear of a bedroom tax, we know that MPs state on TV that they could live on £53 per week when we know they bloody can’t, we know that the houses of parliament serve a subsided menu to MPs who are earning at least three times more than the average wage of the country, we know that banks are still paying millions in bonuses to bad managers. Most people won’t do anything because it doesn’t directly affect them. I can’t be like that and yes you might find me annoying (I can be fun too honestly!).
I’m just saying we can all do our bit for a fair society. Fair. That’s all.
Please complain about the Daily Mail here. Please.