Confessions.  

Do you ever say you’re going to do something and you don’t?  Do you ever have good intentions and when the time actually comes you just can’t be bothered?  This was me this week when it came to Yoga.  And I felt so bad because I had written it in my blog!!!! The first thing I said was – I have to go, I’ve written in my blog that I’m going!!!

 

This was in fact the second week that I said I was starting back at Yoga and didn’t make it.  The first week I was too tired.  The second week, I was ….. err….. too tired again!!!!!  The reason I’m too tired is because I’m not giving myself enough time to sleep so I barely scrape through the 6am start to the finishing line.  So the thought of then donning on some lycra and carrying my yoga mat to a community centre three miles down the road versus a lovely large glass of Sauvignon with First Dates hotel (you don’t watch it?! You must!!) and a packet of Prawn Cocktail crisps wins. Every time. 

 

I get so annoyed with myself when I say I’m going to do something and I don’t as it’s something I rarely do.  The talking to I give myself in the middle of the night when I feel the crisps on my hips and my over active mind that really could’ve done with being Omnified by the yoga instructor is even more annoying.  I often give myself a hard time – about so many things and I just can’t get out of that habit, I think I know why I do it, it’s just a matter of stopping!

 

Feel like I’m waffling a bit….

 

Anyway so I guess it’s a Sunday and if you’re religious in any way (I’m not) you could take this as my confession that I said I was going to do something and I didn’t.  I’d apologise but I’m sure you are a forgiving bunch and anyway I’ve berated myself enough for it already.  One of the main things i’ve learnt is I need to be a little bit more forgiving of myself!!  We’re so hard on ourselves at times aren’t we.

 

So…. TOMORROW I’m going to Yoga ok!!!!   And if I don’t go I (almost) promise not to be hard on myself (as I write that I know that’s not going to happen… but I’ll try). We could all try being a bit kinder and sympathetic to ourselves sometimes couldn’t we!

Happy Sunday xx 

Dwys x 

I want. I need.

As I did a quick dash around the local supermarket last week I encountered two  mums with two children in different aisles.  The little ones were demanding sweets and the other a magazine. I want this magazine said the young girl with her brown hair tied up, looking longingly. No. Shouted mum.  I need this said the two year old blonde boy pointing to some purposefully brightly coloured  packets of sweets. Mum tells him loudly that  he’s stressing her out.  He starts to cry.  Both mums look so fed up and really tired.  I caught second mums eye and gave her a smile while making a joke that it’d be bed time soon. She looked grateful that she wasn’t being judged for her short fuse. 

I continued with my mad dash picking up some reduced rocket and thought about that wanting.  I want this.  I need this. We see it all the time.  And we’re also doing it all the time aren’t we?  We’re doing exactly what we did as kids but on a far greater scale.  We want. We demand. We want a new car. We need new clothes. With this we’re working all hours to pay for the new house, the extension, that holiday we need because….. .. we’re working so hard!

We’re designed to want. When I looked at the two kids and worse when I looked at the two stressed out women I thought.  Enough. Something has to give. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Working ourself so hard just to get what we’ve been told we supposedly need. But how do we stop? 

I’m not sure! It’s a hard habit to give up… being constantly on the go and having a life that revolves around want. It’s almost addictive.  And then there’s guilt for daring to do nothing.  Doing nothing is actually really good for us you know? It lets your mind wander, imagine and rest. 

I’m hopeless at it. More than ever the last few years I’ve busied myself.   So. I’m going to make a few changes… beginning with going to a yoga class because I don’t see myself having enough steel or determination to have an hour and a half away from life without some help! 

It’s a start. Not sure I can change drastically from wanting but I’m going to try to be less about what I want and concentrate more on what I have!

Lots of love,
Happy Sunday xx

Newborn.

I talked last week about embracing new experiences.  I embraced one yesterday that I’ve avoided since losing Tes. It appears small perhaps but to me it was massive.

Since I lost her I avoid certain things. They’re mostly because they invoke such a huge sense of loss deep inside I actively  avoid the experience.  

As I drive back from Manchester yesterday listening to my play list a song I normally skip came on. Newborn by Muse. As my finger hovered over the forward  button I took a deep breath and allowed myself to listen.  Preparing myself for tears and sadness as I wait at the busy traffic light, rain hitting the wipers working hard to keep visibility. 

This song is one I danced with my two for many years when they were very young. We started off by crouching down as the piano music begins gently, it’s almost inaudible. It grows in strength over a long period and as it did so the three of us would pretend we were the roots of trees and slowly we’d unfold ourselves as the music became louder and louder until we were the tallest trees we could be. Then. There’s a short pause and guitars blast as the song takes a new route and at this point we would jump high into the air and for the remaining minutes would dance and run around the rectangular wooden kitchen table giggling and laughing until we were out of breath.  

The traffic light suddenly changes to green and everyone in Manchester seems to be in the biggest rush to get to the next set of lights. I keep listening to the song and relive those magical times where I remember smiles, laughter and fun so vividly, through the music.

Maybe I had to wait almost 4 years to be able to do it. I’m so glad that I’ve started to embrace experiences that I’d have otherwise avoided because although tinged with  sadness and that place Tes lives in my heart ached a little more. It was worth it to relive one very precious and alive moment of her childhood.

Thanks for letting me share a few minutes from my week.  
Hope you’ve managed to embrace some new experiences this week. Big or small.
Lots of love.

Happy Sunday xxx 

Experiences waiting. Ahead. 

Read a little saying today. Don’t stop an experience before it becomes one. 

This resonated with me. I’ve been known at times to be quite risk averse and I’ve been more likely to avoid a potential experience particularly if I think it’ll hurt me in some way. What a way to be?! I’m getting better at it though. Because if we turn away from potential problems or difficulties what else could we be missing out on?! 

It’s far easier to be afraid than confront isn’t it. Far simpler  to take the safe option than take some risks. 

Strange how one sentence can make you think about how you live generally and what you could be missing out on. So here forward am going to try harder at facing those situations I’d quite happily avoid.

 

I reflected on what I might have missed out on had I been too scared to have embarked on ‘the experience’. 

For one when I bought my first house at 20 and decided a year later I actually wanted to travel. I’d have missed out on the most amazing year travelling had I not given up my job and rented my home out.  Had I not convinced  myself almost 5 years ago that perhaps I was good enough to take on a managers job and with 4 hours to go decided I would go to the interview, I wouldn’t be in my job that has challenged and changed my career so positively.  There’s bigger stuff too. Had I not actively sought help for anxiety and panic attacks 25 years ago I may not have been able to experience the freedom to live (mostly) without the barriers poor mental health brought me. I could’ve missed out on enjoying the thrill of a 3 mile run had I not tried for the 3rd time to complete the 9 week course that took me from barely breathing after one minute to tears of joy when I finally made it and tentatively called myself a runner! 

So this little saying has reminded me really to not turn away from opportunities because then I’ll be turning away from a new experience that otherwise would not be born! 

So that invite to the zip wire I’ve had recently that I’ve dithered about….I’m going to have to make myself nod my head rather than shake it.  That’s a start! 

Happy New experience everyone! 

And happy Sunday xx 

2017!

Happy New Year to you! 

I’ve woken up a little worse for wear so there’s my first resolution. Less alcohol! What else… I’ve been inspired by a Facebook friend who made a list of 50 things she’d like to do this year and managed them all. She went on to say this had helped her deal with her anxiety and depression. What better way to re focus your life than have 50 goals? I’ve started my list this morning they include climbing Snowdon  (totally ashamed that I haven’t yet done that!), going to a proper bingo hall!, getting to a festival, watching my brother Al play a live gig, creating a healthier workspace, starting up book club again as I miss my book club buddies…. That’s as far as I’ve got!!! I’ll finish the list later…

2016 was a strange one wasn’t it.  Seems to have been dominated by every icon I grew up with taking an early exit and a shift in politics that frankly scares the life out of me. America is about to be taken over by the richest misogynistic political party that we know and I fear what that will bring to our world. 

However as with everything else life throws at us and along with that brilliant saying mum passed down to me… you can’t control the action of others. You can only control your own actions and with that I feel 2017 needs to be for me …more positive action, less being a bit cross, more selfless and less I’m stressed action. More risks and less playing it safe. 

I have a twinkle in my eye and a feeling in my stomach that  says 2017 and onwards is a change in direction for me, perhaps that saying is true… good things come to those that wait!!
I can’t go without saying a new year always makes me feel sad that time seems to hurl forward and 2013 when Tes left is further away …yet feels like yesterday.  Every year it hurts more that her face refuses to light my mornings evenings and night. I’m sure many of you feel the same at your losses. 

Life does go on though and I stand by what I’ve said for the last few years. You get up or you don’t. I choose to (mostly) get up and I hope you can too.
I wish you an amazing 2017 and hope it brings everything you wish for. 
X Dwys X

Happy Christmas!! 

A short one today. Firstly whatever your religious persuasion.  Merry Christmas! I’m not religious. At all. For me Christmas means one thing… a time when people get together that little bit more often. Work colleagues gather. We all don hats and a dash of tinsel. Friends that haven’t been seen in too long visit and families give time for walks and games.  Communities gather and we keep an eye out for those that might not be so fortunate.

To finish, going forward I’m going to try  (hey don’t forget I’m not perfect I’ll slip up!!) … anyway I’m going to try and be a bit more vocal about what’s good about people around me and how they make me feel. I’ve had two or three cards this year from colleagues and friends that went that extra mile to say what I meant to them and I was so overwhelmed  at their kind words.  So I’m going to try better about being vocally kind! And I’ll start with you…. Thank you so much, particularly to those who’ve commented and messaged and to those that read in silence. It’s hard to put into words the depth of gratitude I have for you allowing and encouraging me to write. 

Lastly today will be one of sadness and an exacerbation of a void for some, I know for me my heart hurts that little bit more today as I visit Tes in a place I never thought I would. Love and hugs to all of you. Be kind to yourself. As I said to a very brave woman yesterday this getting older lark … And life itself…..certainly brings with it trials and the occasional mountain to climb, the thing is to make those bits in between the best you can. 

Lots of love to you all.
Happy Sunday, Happy Christmas Day xx 

What happened to skipping??

I drove to work the other day. The weather was bleak, the fault light had come on my car. Again. It was misty, visibility was poor. I’d been up for two hours, tired already I begin the hour drive to work. 

Coming into the next village I slow down as a family cross in front of me. Holding hands with her mum is a blonde girl in a chequered dress of about 8, skipping. I thought to myself…. What happened to skipping? I thought to myself, when did I stop skipping? When did WE stop skipping?! 

As I do ……I give that a lot more thought as I drive on. What stopped the skipping? If I skipped to work now people would think I was a bit crazy. I’d feel so self conscious. What happened?

Why do we lose that freedom to express the joy we feel? When did we somehow learn that we shouldn’t express that we’re having a great day. When did it become un cool to shout out and express wildly……I’m happy!!

If you look back at a conversation you’ve had recently with a few friends I’m sure like me you’ll notice it’s far easier to complain than to talk about how great you’re life is today. It’s much easier to moan about work than say you love it, it’s far easier to pick holes in your partner than say how wonderful they are. 

As I drive on, Mariah Carey came on the radio singing her song… …. I went from sleepy to singy as I join in crooning that…. All I want for Christmas is you. With that although I couldn’t physically skip …..I smile and dance in my seat and sing out loud, not caring who’s watching and guess what, it made me happier.  
So thank you skipping girl for reminding me that there’s definitely a need to fill my life with more skipping, maybe in yours too?

Happy Sunday everyone xxxx