Backwards and forwards.  

During a very nice, relaxing Spa day with a beautiful friend on Friday I did a couple of things I haven’t done in ages. I READ at least half a magazine and I had a back massage!! Bliss! I love Psychologies magazine. Expensive but every page is worthy of your time and I get inspired to get on and do at least one thing after I’ve read it.


One article this week made me think about how we are often focussed on what we haven’t done and on what we should be doing next.  We don’t stop sometimes and think about all of our accomplishments big or small. I often berate myself for the bigger things like not yet having written *that* book to the smaller things like why I haven’t I replanted that hyacinth yet!  Or I’ll be giving myself a hard time for not running even though I’ve walked 4 miles that day.

So thank you to the magazine I’ve been able to concentrate on some things that I’ve accomplished rather than concentrate on everything I haven’t done. I’m not going to list them all because it feels a bit self indulgent but what I do feel proud of is still being able to smile and laugh and love. I drove to work so happy this week and met a colleague where I instantly of course start telling her how guilty I feel for being happy.  Slap yourself around the head right now was her helpful advice!! Then she hugged me.  One of my biggest accomplishments is finding and living a happy life after losing Tes despite the forever pain. And going forward I look forward to getting some of those things I haven’t done yet but I will really try stop berating myself for sometimes watching two episodes of Game of Thrones  rather than painting the front of my house!

It’s great to have ambition and goals but we also need to remember what we’ve done to get where we are now.

Happy Sunday x Dwys x 

Love to remember

Valentines.  A day of two conflictions for me.  It’s just a materialistic nonsense, expensive flowers go up in prices kind of day. But also. It’s a day to remember about love.  To show it. To feel it. To be it. Because lots of us forget over time to demonstrate our love to those closest to us.  Or sometimes we forget there’s so much to love and that we’re loved.  For that reason I’m tentatively ok with Valentines! 

In this current climate of what feels like clouds of hate adorning the grey skies, where we seem to live in fear of our future.  Love is what surely saves us. 

Love can come from so many things. A dog, a car, a child, a partner. Family, friends.  Even a job or the outside, a mountain or lake.  A favourite book or place to take in the view. A destination or a walk. A favourite dish to cook or being part of a like minded circle. Drawing or just sitting still. 

So Valentines.  I may detest your commercialism but I love your underlying message.  There is much to love. We just have to remember that now and again. 
Lots of love to you!
Dwys x 

Choose life!

I got to see Trainspotting 2 this week. It’s totally different to the first but just as powerful. I just wanted to talk about it for ages afterwards and mull over the characters and the way their lives had evolved. It particularly resonated with me because the characters are now my age. I’ve grown up with them! 

20 years.  It’s a long time and yet seems a short time. In my 20 years I haven’t ended up in prison or taken a concoction of drugs like my trainspotting friends!! It has made me think about what has gone on though. Two beautiful children, new jobs, loss, house moves, relationships, divorce, pets, coming out, holidays,  break ups, love, graduation, furry friends, learning to run, rows and making up, self acceptance, old friends and new ones… …. twenty years. 20 years!  What will the next 20 bring? I hope for calm and fulfilling, exciting and relaxed, healthy and beautiful.  I imagine it will be again nothing as I expected because although we try our best to have some control over our future we don’t.  

We can try to control some of it.. how healthy we are, how we make an impact today, how we approach life today.. but tomorrow will bring what it wants and that has made me think about trying to stop worrying about what I’ve got absolutely no control over. Most of us worry about things we can do nothing about and it’s probably time to stop!! 

To help me be a bit more thankful for what I’ve got right now and stop worrying about the inevitable unknown of tomorrow I’ve downloaded the app gratitude garden. It encourages you to write down three good things from today. It keeps them all so if you’re ever feeling a bit negative you can go back and remind yourself about the good stuff too!  

It’s worth a go! Anything to help with those irrelevant and unhelpful anxieties.  Concentrate on what we can change and not on what we can’t.  
Happy  (non worrying) Sunday 
Lots of love xx 

2017!

Happy New Year to you! 

I’ve woken up a little worse for wear so there’s my first resolution. Less alcohol! What else… I’ve been inspired by a Facebook friend who made a list of 50 things she’d like to do this year and managed them all. She went on to say this had helped her deal with her anxiety and depression. What better way to re focus your life than have 50 goals? I’ve started my list this morning they include climbing Snowdon  (totally ashamed that I haven’t yet done that!), going to a proper bingo hall!, getting to a festival, watching my brother Al play a live gig, creating a healthier workspace, starting up book club again as I miss my book club buddies…. That’s as far as I’ve got!!! I’ll finish the list later…

2016 was a strange one wasn’t it.  Seems to have been dominated by every icon I grew up with taking an early exit and a shift in politics that frankly scares the life out of me. America is about to be taken over by the richest misogynistic political party that we know and I fear what that will bring to our world. 

However as with everything else life throws at us and along with that brilliant saying mum passed down to me… you can’t control the action of others. You can only control your own actions and with that I feel 2017 needs to be for me …more positive action, less being a bit cross, more selfless and less I’m stressed action. More risks and less playing it safe. 

I have a twinkle in my eye and a feeling in my stomach that  says 2017 and onwards is a change in direction for me, perhaps that saying is true… good things come to those that wait!!
I can’t go without saying a new year always makes me feel sad that time seems to hurl forward and 2013 when Tes left is further away …yet feels like yesterday.  Every year it hurts more that her face refuses to light my mornings evenings and night. I’m sure many of you feel the same at your losses. 

Life does go on though and I stand by what I’ve said for the last few years. You get up or you don’t. I choose to (mostly) get up and I hope you can too.
I wish you an amazing 2017 and hope it brings everything you wish for. 
X Dwys X

Where’s me?! 

I read a few words that got me right there this week. It was simply a few words by someone that described the desperate  need of wanting  her old self back.

This time of year can sometimes magnify loss. I still love Christmas but of course I still want Tes to be in my Christmas. The Facebook annual review is doing the rounds. Mine was full of favourite pics.  They made me smile. There was none of Tes and for that reason I couldn’t post it. I was actually a little envious of some, that doesn’t happen often. 

So…. wanting your old self back when you’ve been through trauma is natural. I remember sitting with a nurse before the surgery had even opened 2 years after losing Tes and saying those exact words through tears and gulps. I want me back. I want me back. 

I didn’t want to be this person that found every day so tough.That smiled when I wanted to cry. A person that worried  about everything all of a sudden. An angry person. A person without patience.  A person who couldn’t  laugh. 

That day changed me. it was a mixture of the help I got and the fact I admitted that I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. 

Did I get the old me back? You’re  changed forever after some experiences and losing a child has to be one of them.  I recognise parts of the old me but I have a layer of sadness and ‘hiraeth’ (only that Welsh word fully covers it) that I wear like an invisible coat. Every day. I can feel it.  

But…. There is also the new me. Some of it is a pain because I don’t have the same drive to please or be liked which has made me a little bit selfish. I find it hard to be around unwarranted  negativity or meanness and end up taking a big step backwards from those situations.  I strive to be happy.  I overwhelm myself with trying to do it all… but I’m also loving trying to do it all. I’ve become really  good at having some time  for me…..now and again I even go back to bed for an hour after walking the dogs because  …. I want to! It might just be an hour here and there of proper doing nothing but it’s more than I used to give myself. I’m more relaxed about work. I feel way less stressed than ever before. Of course these things may change again. The old me and the new me will probably always keep changing. 

So for those wanting the old you back….. there’s bad and good news. The old us doesn’t really exist to have back. Every day we’re a new me. With that new me we can make it what we want it to be. It may take time and even help but if you’re on that journey I’m sure  you too will eventually find the new you that makes you happy too, in a different way but nonetheless in a new way. 

Lots of love to you all xx Happy Sunday xx 

The blonde

This week my blog is simply  a few minutes I observed from afar.

I drive to the meeting. I was late. Not only was I late I’d absentmindedly taken the wrong turning. So I’d chosen the long way around. And I was late.  Consequently I end up going through the busy town rather than around it. Consequently I’m stuck in traffic. For a long time.

I see her to the right of me trying to cross. She has that hippified look. Strawberry blonde hair, messy, little make up, baggy top but it looked effortlessly nice along with her tanned boots and faded jeans.

I lift my hand and signal to her to walk in front so that she can cross the road. She has a white plastic  bag. She now looks in a bit of a hurry.  She smiles her thank you towards me.

She begins to roll a cigarette while walking. Clever in its own way. It surprises me as she doesn’t look like a smoker.

She doesn’t light the cigarette. Instead she puts it in her back pocket for later. My eyes follow her as I’ve nothing else to do. Sitting in the traffic. Berating myself for leaving things last minute. I glance at the traffic ahead quietly persuading something to move. I stare at the traffic lights that have turned to green twice with no movement. So my gaze continues to follow her instead.

About 30 yards down the road she knocks on a white upvc glazed door. A dark haired older woman answers and  the strawberry blonde hands her the plastic bag,  then she crouches down to be at the same level as someone. An excited, barely toddling toddler, comes into sight. Toddler has a huge smile with gleaming eyes that only parents can demand. Strawberry blonde whispers in her ear and strokes the chubby cheeks. The curls on the toddler dance around as she gazes adoringly at her mum,still crouching she continues to talk and smile. She kisses her on her cheeks twice and they chat away in toddler speak.  After a minute or so Mum has to leave and as she does she walks away blowing kisses to curly mop toddler mouthing I love you, I love you, I love you and walks on to wherever she needs to be today.

It was only a few minutes but in a world this week where there is so much anger it can be easy to overlook love which really is around us everywhere.  It doesn’t make the news and it’s not fun to gossip about, it doesn’t sell papers and it’s not particularly easy to talk about or to even to  say at times.

I had two texts yesterday from friends telling me they love me,  I was quite taken aback as I’m not one normally to tell friends I love them, saving that for family and partners normally.  However it made me think we should be telling everyone we love that we love them!! It certainly made me feel happy.

It’s simplistic to say but wouldn’t this World be a much better place if we spread the love a little bit more! It all starts with one person!

Happy Sunday everyone, lots of love! XxX

love

Yes, I can!

It’s strange how life can be full of little coincidences.

 I was thinking this week about something mum used to say.  I believe it comes about for those of us that perhaps ‘achieved’ a bit  later in life.  Like my mum, I left school with barely any exams passed (I could sew a great skirt and jacket though!!) and later on went back to do A-levels, a degree etc.  There’s something about doing things that way around that can leave you feeling like…..a bit of a fraud.

 

Mum said to me when she was in one job that she thought one day she’d be ‘found out’.  What do you mean?  I said!  Well – that they might find out that I actually can’t do my job, she said.  I found this really bizarre.  Mum was amazing at her job. Brilliant in fact.  Yet she doubted herself.

 

Then weirdly this week I was listening to the radio and they played a theme tune, I tried hard to remember it, I knew it was something to do with animals! They confirmed it was Peter Davidson from All Creatures Great & Small!! Bizarrely as he was talking about his life (somehow I’d zoned into radio 2 this day!!) he was saying as an actor he always thought he’d be ‘found out’.  Despite being an actor for 40 years he was still waiting to be ‘found out’……That he wasn’t good enough.

 

I wondered whether perhaps a lot of us feel like that?  And why?

 

I always try to learn from those around me and I’ve tried hard not to feel like a fraud and have confidence in my work but there’s one or two areas that I do this.  Lately I’ve noticed that I’m always putting myself down about my running!  Even now I want to type… I’m not a good runner. 

I wouldn’t run with anyone for years because I thought I’d be too rubbish.  Consequently because I didn’t like running on my own I didn’t run for years.  Even now I’ll ask if anyone wants to come running with me but I’ll always say ‘I’m very slow so no need to wait for me’.  Or I’ll tell them I’m a bit old for running really or that I’m hopeless because I don’t run as much as I should or that I don’t run very far etc etc etc!!!  At the Llyn Alwen race a couple of weeks ago I was busily muttering to myself about all of this and I suddenly said – why do I keep putting myself down about this?!!  A woman shouted at me from behind and told me off – you’re here she said.  You’re doing it, you’re out of bed and you’re here.  That’s nothing to put yourself down about, she said.

 

And she’s right!

 

So from now on I’ll be making a conscious effort to stop telling myself and everyone else that I’m not that good at something.  It’s hard because being Welsh and being British we’re so used to being a little self damaging aren’t we! I’m a bit rubbish at that, I’m not good at this….. I’m not sure I’m going to start shouting how good I am at everything but I might just tell myself that I’m not doing a bad job… hang on let me try that again….. that I’m doing a good job in getting my trainers on in the first place, that my body isn’t too bad (argh done it again) – that my body is doing a great job as I’m here fit and healthy and basically….. I need  to be a lot less self critical!

 Do you put yourself down? 

Perhaps it’s about time you stopped!

Have confidence in the fabulous person you are!!

Happy happy Sunday everyone X