I’ve been deliberating whether to write about ‘this’ today because ‘this’ isn’t a happy subject. In fact that’s why most of us pretend ‘this’ isn’t going on because we don’t want to put ‘it’ on others.
So what is it?
There’s a few names I have for it… the black cloud, sadness, grief….my bad Tesni days seems to be the closest to how I properly describe it. It probably happens every 6 months or so. I think it’s a build up of what’s there that eventually has to surface.
It started Sunday night and it ended properly on Friday. It arrives with force. Tears. Lots of them. Wailing. Stomach hurting tears. Swollen eyes. Lack of interest in anything. Bed becomes the only place I want to be and I sleep. For the first time in months I sleep. Properly. Lots of sleep. I made myself work on Wednesday from home and Thursday I dragged myself back to work. I felt like I was walking around with water swimming in my head. Like I wasn’t really fully in the moment.
Not sure why I’m telling you this. I write about things in my life, what I see and feel. A lot of it is positive but I’d feel a fraud to not talk about the purely awful times too.
So how did it stop? Just like if I’d been physically ill I received a prescription. On that prescription were many things and eventually I got well again.
The first dose of medicine came from one of my oldest friends who happened to be back home. A hug. A chat. A glass of wine. It was a start. Secondly when I rang in sick I didn’t lie and say I had ‘a bug’ I told the truth. I was low and not coping. The reaction was just lovely. Almost every person I work with messaged me and when I got back I came in to flowers bought from the reception team and lots of hugs. My partner drove miles to see me in an already busy life even though I was no company. My dogs still insist I walk them and the rivers and trees distract me for a short time. I was taken out for lunch with mum and my boy. Despite being miserable they wanted to spend time with me. I saw my nephews for a short while and even though I couldn’t stay because I was going to cry I love seeing their faces. A phone call from my brother that I couldn’t answer. I knew he was thinking of me. Some photos put through the door from my sis in law which have made my temporary abode feel a bit more personal. Crazy friends who cycled 50 miles (yep!) to catch up. A text from someone I haven’t seen for too long to arrange lunch. A step dad who gives up his morning to help me and an uncle who swore a lot while doing it but got on with some diy at my house.
To be honest the list could go on. It made me realise that we can be very open about our mental health. In fact it was by being honest that I received so much help and although I’m rubbish at accepting help and am fiercely independent and determined to make every day a good one…. sometimes you just have to accept… as my lovely colleague Barbara said to me … for goodness sake Dwysan you’re not Wonder Woman!
The week has ended far more positively and there’s a couple of pieces of exciting news in terms of my house situation but I’ll have to keep some of that until next week… the biggest news is… I know the suspense is killing you.. …YES….. I have a BED!!!!! Hooray!
Bit of a ramble this week. Thanks as ever for reading. Have a lovely Sunday xx
Firstly. Still no bed. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m living in a Japanese themed bedroom and the mattress on the floor is all part of some unplanned feng shui phase. Reality is I still have no date for my new house and I’m still mainly eating pizza or mostly going out to eat because I feel quite disasociated in my temporary home. The house is fine but it is not my ‘home’.
It got me thinking what is a home. I’ve lived in a few houses through my life. 12 actually. Some of those houses I lived in for years and they never really felt like a home. Some for much shorter periods of time that became home. What makes a place your ‘home’?. You know that kind of home that even after a lovely holiday you’re excited and glad to step back into it.
The family inside, the pencil on the wall marking your children’s growth, a flower that miraculously grew from the seed you threw into the soil, the birds that visit regularly, the patch in the garden where the sun warms your skin, the ingredients in the cupboard waiting to be cooked, the postcard on the fridge and the scribbled note kept safely. The pooches playing with a new toy. The red nose that has been left on the wall from a home made Christmas party game. That tea set you had to buy. Heart decorations bought just for you. A box of collected memorabilia. The shells picked up from your favourite beach. A special photo that always makes you smile. Music that you have to dance to. A piece of furniture that you love. A charity shop bought jug full of your favourite flowers. A suitcase of letters from a time before Facebook. The phone ringing with someone just checking in. A friend popping in for coffee (or wine!). Snuggling under a throw with your favourite film. A game of scrabble. Books. Chats over dinnertime. Hugs on tap. A notebook of dreams. Pennies collecting in a jar. Candles and fairy lights. Pillows. A box of crafts to be made into cards. Recipes photocopied bearing food splashes. A favourite mug filled with camomile tea. The smell of home made tomato and basil sauce simmering. A piano waiting for you to finally learn that piece. And of course. Most importantly…
Family (furry or not!).
…….and also perhaps……..a comfy bed!!!
I’m so excited to build all these memories again in my new home that will add to life’s memories of my last….
Join me next week for the next episode of…. ‘is Dwysan still sleeping on the floor?’ ….
Happy Sunday everyone xx
It should’ve been my daughter Tes’s 19th birthday today. My blog really took off when I lost her just over 4 years ago yet as I had an incessant need to write. Over time my writing has moved away from the rawness of my grief and shock, as anyone who follows it will see it mostly unintentionally focuses on a moment from my week, an observation, usually something hopefully encouraging.
It is has been the oddest experience to feel unimaginable pain on a daily basis, to carry what feels like an immovable heavy stone in my heart and a permanent ache in the centre of my stomach but to also be overwhelmed with the desire to make the most of life.
It’s just a little blog from me today. I could write a thousand words about the awfulness of grief, birthdays are the hardest I feel – it’s a reminder of what isn’t here. In Tes’s memory though I accept the utter hardship of it but I refuse for her memory to be about her end. She had a great and fantastic life. One filled with love, books and passion. A life that made me proud and one that I remain grateful for. It is hard to accept that was her life but that is…. life. Unpredictable. Not straight forward. Not as you expect it. Which is why the urge within me to keep living and not just surviving is so strong.
Tes had a poster on her bedroom wall – ‘make everyday beautiful’. The meaning of that will be different to so many of us – be it getting under the duvet with a film, walking on the beach, reading your book, running through the woods, being silent, being loud, being alone, being with friends – whatever it is that might make our day beautiful, it’s worth trying to make it that day.
Have a beautiful Sunday xx
I’ve figured out the answer to world peace!!
On Friday night I was invited out to an all women’s ‘disco’. It’s actually called the ‘shit lesbian disco’… which comes apparently from the fact a lot of the those types of events historically have ….. well… been a bit shit!
This one certainly wasn’t.
800 women filled this alternative music bar and it was magical. From the second the friendly organiser ticked our name off her list and we were offered a free shot from a woman with the happiest smile that was impossible not to respond to enthusiastically.
Making my way to the cloak room the line of women did not sit silently. We chatted easily and the woman who took my jacket sat on the floor cross legged as she labelled it for my collection later.
The staff running the bar were oozing energy. There was no frustrations at queuing just an opportunity to dance gently whilst waiting to be served.
And so to the music. Three women. Two laptops. One music deck (no idea if that’s the correct description!). Two of the women alternately chose a track and every time just got it so right as the crowd responded whooping as they danced. Later the tracks stopped and made way to the most amazing wordsmith who’s narrative was mesmerising and it was impossible not to listen to every letter within every word. The band then took their place debuting their new EP filling the room with rap, drums and guitars that compelled the crowd to stay and move their bodies in appreciation. The music then returned and everyone just continued. To dance.
This room was brimming with culture, diversity and more importantly love and acceptance. From the sari wearing DJ to the traditional dress of the wordsmith, to the women in heels and those in trainers. Women with make up and those without. Women in dresses and women in jeans. Black women. Muslim women. White women. Chinese women. Women with red hair and those with pink. Women holding hands and women just there for the music.
And that’s world peace in one room.
Music. Love. Acceptance. Dance.
Happy Sunday everyone x
During a very nice, relaxing Spa day with a beautiful friend on Friday I did a couple of things I haven’t done in ages. I READ at least half a magazine and I had a back massage!! Bliss! I love Psychologies magazine. Expensive but every page is worthy of your time and I get inspired to get on and do at least one thing after I’ve read it.
One article this week made me think about how we are often focussed on what we haven’t done and on what we should be doing next. We don’t stop sometimes and think about all of our accomplishments big or small. I often berate myself for the bigger things like not yet having written *that* book to the smaller things like why I haven’t I replanted that hyacinth yet! Or I’ll be giving myself a hard time for not running even though I’ve walked 4 miles that day.
So thank you to the magazine I’ve been able to concentrate on some things that I’ve accomplished rather than concentrate on everything I haven’t done. I’m not going to list them all because it feels a bit self indulgent but what I do feel proud of is still being able to smile and laugh and love. I drove to work so happy this week and met a colleague where I instantly of course start telling her how guilty I feel for being happy. Slap yourself around the head right now was her helpful advice!! Then she hugged me. One of my biggest accomplishments is finding and living a happy life after losing Tes despite the forever pain. And going forward I look forward to getting some of those things I haven’t done yet but I will really try stop berating myself for sometimes watching two episodes of Game of Thrones rather than painting the front of my house!
It’s great to have ambition and goals but we also need to remember what we’ve done to get where we are now.
Happy Sunday x Dwys x
Valentines. A day of two conflictions for me. It’s just a materialistic nonsense, expensive flowers go up in prices kind of day. But also. It’s a day to remember about love. To show it. To feel it. To be it. Because lots of us forget over time to demonstrate our love to those closest to us. Or sometimes we forget there’s so much to love and that we’re loved. For that reason I’m tentatively ok with Valentines!
In this current climate of what feels like clouds of hate adorning the grey skies, where we seem to live in fear of our future. Love is what surely saves us.
Love can come from so many things. A dog, a car, a child, a partner. Family, friends. Even a job or the outside, a mountain or lake. A favourite book or place to take in the view. A destination or a walk. A favourite dish to cook or being part of a like minded circle. Drawing or just sitting still.
So Valentines. I may detest your commercialism but I love your underlying message. There is much to love. We just have to remember that now and again.
Lots of love to you!
I got to see Trainspotting 2 this week. It’s totally different to the first but just as powerful. I just wanted to talk about it for ages afterwards and mull over the characters and the way their lives had evolved. It particularly resonated with me because the characters are now my age. I’ve grown up with them!
20 years. It’s a long time and yet seems a short time. In my 20 years I haven’t ended up in prison or taken a concoction of drugs like my trainspotting friends!! It has made me think about what has gone on though. Two beautiful children, new jobs, loss, house moves, relationships, divorce, pets, coming out, holidays, break ups, love, graduation, furry friends, learning to run, rows and making up, self acceptance, old friends and new ones… …. twenty years. 20 years! What will the next 20 bring? I hope for calm and fulfilling, exciting and relaxed, healthy and beautiful. I imagine it will be again nothing as I expected because although we try our best to have some control over our future we don’t.
We can try to control some of it.. how healthy we are, how we make an impact today, how we approach life today.. but tomorrow will bring what it wants and that has made me think about trying to stop worrying about what I’ve got absolutely no control over. Most of us worry about things we can do nothing about and it’s probably time to stop!!
To help me be a bit more thankful for what I’ve got right now and stop worrying about the inevitable unknown of tomorrow I’ve downloaded the app gratitude garden. It encourages you to write down three good things from today. It keeps them all so if you’re ever feeling a bit negative you can go back and remind yourself about the good stuff too!
It’s worth a go! Anything to help with those irrelevant and unhelpful anxieties. Concentrate on what we can change and not on what we can’t.
Happy (non worrying) Sunday
Lots of love xx