Now. Not later.

I had a vivid dream about Tes this week.


In my dream she was almost 16 and she was telling me she has kissed someone! A boy!! I was very laid back about this and we had a chat about it and she said she wanted to see him again. My head was reeling with all the thoughts and feelings I think I’d have had if we had this conversation in real life, who was he? Was he good enough? Was she going to be safe?


We had a lovely conversation, she looked about a year older than the last time I saw her and she felt the same when I stroked her cheek and she had the same mannerisms and kindness in her face as she talked to me through her large rimmed glasses with her brown and auburn highlighted hair falling to her shoulders.


In my dream I was trying my best to tell her all the things I knew could protect her but also I knew she’d be ok.


Somehow, ironically, I always knew Tes would be ok.


I woke up and I didn’t feel upset, strangely. I felt a comfort, it felt so real.


As the day went on I wondered why I’d had this dream. I think it is as obvious as it sounds that I have always focused more on what future we missed by not having Tes and in my dream I was able to do some of the things I’ve missed out on.


It reminded me really of how important it is to protect what we have today and to make the most of what we have today. Because you know, even with this traumatic event that happened – I still sometimes forget that and it’s something we shouldn’t forget.


I don’t know how it happened that we are so so busy getting to work and back, going to work in the dark, getting home in the dark, not taking a break, being so stressed that it makes us ill, we don’t have time to visit grandparents or aunts, we waste time on relationships that don’t make us happy, we forget to pick up a book or simply listen to a song or cook from scratch or not cook and get a take-out or just to stop what we’re doing and do nothing. I still feel guilty about that one. We are so so busy and we are so distracted by making a life that we somehow we forget to have a life?


I have a rule now that I don’t really ‘work’ at weekends, the bare minimum of housework is done. The rest of the week I’m up at 6 and home at 6pm, I do bits of stuff around the house but I keep my weekends free because they are so so precious, they’re the only 48hrs of my life that I don’t have to work so why would I then fill it with washing down sills or cleaning the bathroom!


I go to the cinema and go for long walks, I eat a banana and pecan cake at the local garden centre and walk the dogs along the canal to a pub and have a glass of fizz on a Friday evening. We wander charity shops and visit family, catch up with friends and watch cheesy TV, we have lie ins and long chats and read magazines and plan recipes We play cards and do the lottery and we take photos of rainbows and chat with strangers who later in life will become friends, we’ll sometimes even join a demonstration, we visit book shops and markets and occasionally we do virtually nothing at all. You may be reading this thinking it’s not possible, yes other things do come up sometimes but we can also prioritise ourselves a bit more.


You/we have to remember this – we need to have time for us, to have time for our family and time for those people we love now  – not later. 


Happy Sunday x



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