It should’ve been my daughter Tes’s 19th birthday today. My blog really took off when I lost her just over 4 years ago yet as I had an incessant need to write. Over time my writing has moved away from the rawness of my grief and shock, as anyone who follows it will see it mostly unintentionally focuses on a moment from my week, an observation, usually something hopefully encouraging.
It is has been the oddest experience to feel unimaginable pain on a daily basis, to carry what feels like an immovable heavy stone in my heart and a permanent ache in the centre of my stomach but to also be overwhelmed with the desire to make the most of life.
It’s just a little blog from me today. I could write a thousand words about the awfulness of grief, birthdays are the hardest I feel – it’s a reminder of what isn’t here. In Tes’s memory though I accept the utter hardship of it but I refuse for her memory to be about her end. She had a great and fantastic life. One filled with love, books and passion. A life that made me proud and one that I remain grateful for. It is hard to accept that was her life but that is…. life. Unpredictable. Not straight forward. Not as you expect it. Which is why the urge within me to keep living and not just surviving is so strong.
Tes had a poster on her bedroom wall – ‘make everyday beautiful’. The meaning of that will be different to so many of us – be it getting under the duvet with a film, walking on the beach, reading your book, running through the woods, being silent, being loud, being alone, being with friends – whatever it is that might make our day beautiful, it’s worth trying to make it that day.