Where’s me?! 

I read a few words that got me right there this week. It was simply a few words by someone that described the desperate  need of wanting  her old self back.

This time of year can sometimes magnify loss. I still love Christmas but of course I still want Tes to be in my Christmas. The Facebook annual review is doing the rounds. Mine was full of favourite pics.  They made me smile. There was none of Tes and for that reason I couldn’t post it. I was actually a little envious of some, that doesn’t happen often. 

So…. wanting your old self back when you’ve been through trauma is natural. I remember sitting with a nurse before the surgery had even opened 2 years after losing Tes and saying those exact words through tears and gulps. I want me back. I want me back. 

I didn’t want to be this person that found every day so tough.That smiled when I wanted to cry. A person that worried  about everything all of a sudden. An angry person. A person without patience.  A person who couldn’t  laugh. 

That day changed me. it was a mixture of the help I got and the fact I admitted that I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. 

Did I get the old me back? You’re  changed forever after some experiences and losing a child has to be one of them.  I recognise parts of the old me but I have a layer of sadness and ‘hiraeth’ (only that Welsh word fully covers it) that I wear like an invisible coat. Every day. I can feel it.  

But…. There is also the new me. Some of it is a pain because I don’t have the same drive to please or be liked which has made me a little bit selfish. I find it hard to be around unwarranted  negativity or meanness and end up taking a big step backwards from those situations.  I strive to be happy.  I overwhelm myself with trying to do it all… but I’m also loving trying to do it all. I’ve become really  good at having some time  for me…..now and again I even go back to bed for an hour after walking the dogs because  …. I want to! It might just be an hour here and there of proper doing nothing but it’s more than I used to give myself. I’m more relaxed about work. I feel way less stressed than ever before. Of course these things may change again. The old me and the new me will probably always keep changing. 

So for those wanting the old you back….. there’s bad and good news. The old us doesn’t really exist to have back. Every day we’re a new me. With that new me we can make it what we want it to be. It may take time and even help but if you’re on that journey I’m sure  you too will eventually find the new you that makes you happy too, in a different way but nonetheless in a new way. 

Lots of love to you all xx Happy Sunday xx 

5 thoughts on “Where’s me?! 

  1. Thank you Dwys. You described how we feel perfectly. Until you go through this I don’t think you can ever understand. You look in the mirror and don’t recognise yourself. It’s a different level (and stage?) of grief. And your mourning the loss of the person but also of yourself, the people we were before March the 9th. And beginning to recognise you won’t ever get that back, you have to adjust to new “normal” if that’s possible. We are dreading Christmas but, like you I guess, you have to maintain some kind of normality because we have Max. We are doing completely different Christmas because we can’t bear the usual tradition and routine, thanks to very good mutual friends we get to share their Christmas and escape from some memories and traditions but we recognise it’s not going to be easy. Take care and be kind to yourself and those who love you. Kate xxx

  2. Thank you for this post. It was very timely for me. Just this month I told a friend that I have changed and she asked me how. It is so hard to put these inner changes into words but I think you did a really decent job of finding the words. Yes, we do change all the time and the death of a child both rips us open and catapults us into a new trajectory. It’s definitely not linear. I love that there is actually a word (hiraeth) that resonates for you. I wish I understood the entire meaning as you feel it, but your description of “a longing but in Welch so much more than that” says a lot.

    I’m glad you are still writing your blog.

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