I receive her text early in the day. I read it quickly. Time stops for part of a second. I close my phone and I park the text in the part of my brain that means I can only go back there when I can give it my proper time.
After a 12 hr day, a presentation, two dog walks, caring for my boy with a temperature, cobbling some dinner together, putting away some washing, getting the bins ready….. I think about dealing with the text.
First I open some post. There’s one for Tes from the bank. They say now that she’s in Uni would she like to know about the right account for her. It’s my fault. I’ve still not found the courage to go in and tell them. And sometimes, I like getting post for her.
I pour a glass of wine and get my phone out. I read her text again.
She. My counsellor says. It’s been a while since we met, is it ok to close your file now?
She says I can go back anytime.
I want to text. You saved me. But I know she’d say. No. You saved you.
That’s what she’s like. She takes no credit.
She’s wrong and she’s also right. Her safe space and insight gave me hope and she taught me that answers and strength lay within me.
I’m scared to sever this tie.
I know it’s right after three years to let it go. Sometimes I’ve had as much of a break as 12 months. Then I had to go back. It’s taken 3 years, 5 months and about 9 days to finally feel I can let her go. Properly. My counsellor. With that I wrap myself in guilt which I also know is ridiculous.
I’d like to share my reply. I meant every word
Hi. Yes that’ll be OK as long as I know I can delve in if I ever need. It’s not an exaggeration to say that you helped me survive. I’ll never ever forget your kindness empathy honesty and humanity. That’s not just someone doing their job. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My blog has never been to advise or to preach but I do believe in learning from each other. Good and bad. If you ever find yourself in a place where things remain heavy and blurry always ask for help, it’s not weak. It takes strength.
Love to you all this Sunday.