Constructing time

It’s hard to know where to start this week.

The week where we still struggled to know how to behave on the anniversary of Tes’s death. Do you do the washing? Should you go out? Is it OK to do anything normal? There’s no guide book for that.

Also we lost two famousness’s that I’d grown up with. Victoria Wood and Prince.  Like many, Victoria was one of the first ‘funny” women I’d seen on TV and she was Northern and ‘normal’.   I’m sure she gave many women confidence to be themselves. I saw Prince live, twice.  The tiny purple pop star was the best performer I’ve ever seen. His passion for what he did oozed.

So, in addition to far too much death it’s also been a week of health worries, changing my mind about something important, final moments, moving a million boxes,  and being grateful to the kindness of strangers. I’ve had wonderful compassion from friends and family and I’ve been (I hope) a firm shoulder to cry on for a friend.  I’ve also been a bit cross. At one point raising my voice to say.. I don’t want any flowers today.  What I meant was I didn’t want there to be an anniversary in the first place for the need of flowers.

In all of this I had a brief ‘why me” moment.  Why me? Why us? Why you?

To beat this moment of self pity in the chaotic week I sought fresh air and played ball with the dogs in the expansive empty field across the road. After a while I took my jacket off and although there was a slight chill from the breeze the sun pounded on my face as I lay on the ground.  Both dogs cuddled into me. One to the side and the little one crawled under my bent knees.  I closed my eyes turning my face towards the warmth and experienced the change of colours that seeped through my eyelids as I breathed in some peace, quiet, stillness.  A brief but much needed interlude of meditative time.

It’s important to take time out and re charge even if it’s for a few brief minutes.  I remember as I lay there the words of Prince. Time is a mind construct.  It’s not real.

We are often bound by time but maybe sometimes we need to get hold of it, step away and make that time ours now and again.

Happy Sunday everyone xxx

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5 thoughts on “Constructing time

  1. I’m sitting here thousands and thousands of miles away and thinking of you and your sweet Tes at this anniversary. It breaks my heart to hear you say “To beat this moment of self pity,” as how can the grief of a mother for her daughter be self-pity?

    There are times that need to be acknowledged with the upmost tenderness and respect. As one mom to another, I hold your daughter in my heart along side the deep and eternal love you have for her. Sending you a hug, mother to mother, honoring your grief, honoring Tes’s life.

    1. Thank you. You’re right that self pity probably wasn’t the best choice of words! I guess I didn’t mean the grief but the why me thoughts …when so many others have pain too. Thanks for your lovely words and support x x

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