Santa and the footprint

It’s impossible not to write about Christmas this week. Even if you’re like me…throwing herself into the absurdity of celebrating something that I don’t believe in. Santa?!! I’ve never seen him anyway 😉

Sadly I attended a funeral yesterday and as usual am moved, not so much by the sadness and loss but the love in the tightly packed room. The absolute love for someone who had clearly brought an enormous amount of kindness and happiness into the lives of those close to him.

People say, its so sad at this time of year too. At this time of year many people ask me if it’s a difficult time.

Hard to answer.

Every day is difficult.

I’ve said before there is always sadness about losing Tes but more amazingly to me is the abundant and infinite love I have for her. It is as much as it ever was. I can feel the love bouncing and dancing about in my heart. That love you have only for your children. You can point at it. It doesn’t go.

What do I find hard at Christmas? Standing at her graveside. No, I don’t find it hard . I am angry. I don’t want to stand there putting something I’ve had to buy because to be honest I think I should. I’m cross with it. I’m cross with the present sitting on a cold stone unopened. I’m cross even writing it down!

So, yes, that is difficult. Not having her here every second is difficult.

There is a but…..with the inevitable ton of heavy guilt that I drag around… I still love Christmas.

I’m not sure I’ve ever cherished my life more than I do now. I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to motivate myself more. I’ve certainly not put myself first like this before. I’ve faced the toughest decisions and survived. I don’t think I’ve looked after myself physically as well, ever. I’ve also made huge leaps to protect my emotional health. I am more selfish in that if I don’t want to do something I won’t. I’m more honest than ever and if it all gets a bit much I’ll take a breather rather than carry on. I say sorry more. I try to help people make their own decisions without it being about what I think they should do. I’ve learnt to laugh again. Proper laugh. And I love those I love and I don’t just tell them. I love them.

I’ve still got a way to go though! I’m still trying to fit 25 things into a 24 hour day. I still like too many glasses of wine and I probably still spend too much time on social networking! I’m still fiesty and opinionated and naggy at times! I don’t cook everything from scratch and I eat too much cheese!

Nobody is perfect! ! Not even Santa!

That’s life isn’t it. Not perfect. Experiences change us.

Yesterday brought back to me that when we are gone it’s the impact we have on others that is our everlasting footprint.

So in the spirit of Christmas, whether you’re a believer or not. Be merry, be kind, love and be loved, hug, kiss, squish, smile, laugh, cry, walk, talk, dance, listen. Be you. X



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