I wish I could say

  

You should be 17 today. 

 I presumed it was going to happen. 

I haven’t got used to the idea it won’t.

I hate that it won’t. I hate it.

I miss you. My stomach still hurts. Since that day.

I worried again about what to do about your birthday. No presents to buy. No balloons to blow up. No cake to eat or favourite food to serve. No sleepovers. 

It then came to me that it should always be a day to celebrate.  

It was the day you were born after all.  The day I gave birth to 8lb 10.5ozs of you.  The day I refused to sleep and instead just stared at you in your teddy bear printed baby grow. The proudest and most frightening day of my life. The enormity of the responsibility of looking after your tiny hands and feet, your pink skin and full lips, your beautiful eyes and your total dependant gaze. 

You brought me almost 15 years of happiness that literally can’t be put into any words.  I fill with pride, love and adoration of you and that can never be taken away.

So today I am thinking what I wish I could say to you. 

Not profound or deep things.  Normal things. That I wish I could say. To you. 

1. Morning, do you want tea? 

2. Fancy a pizza? 

3. Goodnight.

 4. C’mon Tes you’re going to miss the school bus! 

5. Your room is SUCH a mess! 

6. I’m so proud of you. 

7. You can be anything you want to be. 

8. Is *he* your boyfriend??

 9. Come and give me a cuddle! 

10. How was your day?

11. Let’s go the cinema.

12. Eat your vegetables! 

13. Well done at school. 

14. What time do you want picking up? 

15. See you later.

16. I love you.

And   

17. Happy birthday.

It’s the simple things we miss. It’s you we miss. Every bit of every second of every minute. We miss you.

Happy birthday beautiful girl wherever you may be, always in our hearts. 

 Mum xx

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9 thoughts on “I wish I could say

  1. What a wonderful photo of Tes. Yes, it is all the beautiful ordinary that is so difficult and so acutely missed, even more so on these special days. Sending you a warm hug.

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