Some days you just wake up and out of the blue, there it is, a heart weighed down with bricks and stones. My heavy heart. It just appears from what has been a perfectly ‘normal’ few days or weeks. Some days, just after you’ve been telling people you feel ‘good’ and with it only feeling a ‘bit’ guilty rather than a lot that you’ve found a way. I started writing some poetry but it was so depressing. I was describing my heavy heavy heart but frankly I don’t want to focus on my heavy heavy heart. I’m sad but it’ll pass and it’ll come back. It’s taking a long time to know I’ll not only survive that but I will get to enjoy the moments in-between again with the caveat that there will always be you missing. I can’t change that, I have to adapt and I have had to find a way to choose to react to it.
I was asked this week if I was ‘through the grief’. I was taken aback really. I’m not sure what ‘through the grief’ is but I guess there are all sort of theories around grief and graphs and flow charts. Sad, anger, resentment, acceptance etc etc. I’m not sure there is a ‘through’, so I couldn’t answer. I guess the shock has gone, the acceptance arrived quickly for me. I still feel so sad though and I still feel angry sometimes that you’re not here, that you won’t have a chance at your dreams and I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘through’ that.
So why today, why feel so sad today? There’s nothing special about today, it’s not a birthday or Christmas or anniversary, it’s a day, without you and that’s why I feel sad. I miss you so much. I’ve never been able to describe how much. I see your face so so clearly, your huge glasses, your perfect mouth and beautiful eyes. Your hair of many colours, your skinny jeans, your odd socks and converse shoes and your skinny t-shirt, your crazy earrings and chipped nail-varnished. I smell your perfume. I feel your hugs, I still feel the weight of you sitting on my knee and I hear our chats and discussions of the world wrongs and rights! I hear our rows about untidy rooms and you staying up too late and I remember your kiss goodnight and your amazing hugs. So what’s not to miss eh Tes?
I read the other day, something I found quite profound. To grieve is to have loved. I just wish I could have had you here a bit longer to love.
XX Mum XX