Results day.

Tomorrow is results day. What would have been your GCSE results day.  I don’t have to be humble anymore and i’m glad I wasn’t so humble then. I was always proud of your intelligence.  Not because I’m particularly a fan of exams and the sheer hell and pressure society puts on our 16 yr olds.  It was your enthusiasm, desire and absolute love of learning.

I wasn’t like that at all.  I was far too busy riding on the back of motorcycles,  skipping school and trading in my embarassing blue free dinner ticket for money so I could buy some sweets (sorry mum!).

However in my 20s I wanted to learn and so I did.. A levels and eventually my degree.  I still think the system is bonkers to expect teenagers to complete exams and choose their vocation for the next 60 yrs (with this pension system!). It’s no wonder so many buckle.  So many don’t fit that round hole. So no, I’m not a huge fan of exams but I also know they are important and a good education generally means better prospects.  That’s how it is.

So from when you were two years old, for 10 yrs I studied as well as worked.  I like to think that influenced you.  But I can’t take the credit.  You were born with a desire to learn and read and write. After you died I inevitably  came  across  phones  and diaries and sometimes I dreaded to think what I might find. All I found was chapters of books and characters described in detail and lots of stories of fan fiction. They make me smile.

The other day I found an a4 book in your school bag, on a page you had written an ‘exam revision timetable’. I laughed when I saw it. Typical Tes. So studious.   Every date had two subjects next to it. Bar two.  The night before you died you’d written excitedly ‘yeah no revision i’m off out for a sleepover’. The second was 7 days later when it was your brothers birthday.  You’d drawn a cake and a smile.

So back to results day. You had been predicted straights As (apart from art!) and I know despite my sceptism I’d have been beaming with pride tomorrow. You would have been coy and even embarassed as always. Not really wanting people to know. I would’ve been telling everyone.

So tomorrow I’ll think of you Tes and i’ll be excited for your friends as they get their results.  Some will get what they want. Some won’t.  It will matter to some and not to others.

At the end of the day there’s plenty of opportunities ahead for them all and I hope they remember that as the most important lesson.

Love you my gorgeous girl.
Mum xx


6 thoughts on “Results day.

  1. Ms. What a sweet photo of your beautiful Tes. I loved hearing of Tes’s desire to learn and the studious way she focused. Her seriousness is as endearing as the ‘yeah no revision i’m off out for a sleepover’. Hugs to you.

    1. Oh thanks. I know you get it. I’ve had days this week where I’ve felt so hopeless and the next 5 mins seems impossible. Also do you ever feel like you can’t talk about it as it’s just so depressing? I love though to remember how accomplished she was and just so loving and happy. The photo was on my graduation x

      1. Yes, to your question. I too have moments every day where I feel hopeless and I think I can’t go on. The pain is so intense and yes, it is absolutely impossible to talk about, which makes it even more lonely. I truly think that only another mother or father who had a child die can genuinely understand. I can’t really explain the pain to anyone who hasn’t had their child die. The pain is, however, very real.
        Your Tes is beautiful and the sweetness of her soul shines through in the photo. She must have been very proud to be there with you at your graduation. Yes, we need to remember all the wonderful qualities and traits of who they still are, and will always be for us. xo

      2. I agree yet I’m so fortunate to be surrounded by people who try still every day to help and have made the days bearable along with my amazing son and partner it brings some things to the forefront. Kindness of people. The pain though seems indestructible x

  2. Dear Ms Fem and DW – yes, sometimes the pain seems indestructible, and yes, I too believe that only a mother (or father) who has lost a child can truly understand this type and level of pain. I too, for years, had so many hopeless and helpless days that I knew I was going to drown. But I am here to tell you that it does get better with time. We will always love, cherish and grieve for our precious beautiful child, but there comes a time when we are ready to let go of the grief and smile again. And then it doesn’t hurt quite as much. And the sun shines.

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