Choosing

You never know what the day will bring.

Life as I know can change in a second. I was thinking today what a lovely weekend it’s been. It didn’t start well. My boy was poorly with a bug that seemed to get into everyone’s house I know in the village. He quickly got over it and I managed to get to my friends 40th on Friday night. I ended the night grasping a pink inflatable guitar rocking next to an ACDC tribute band. The night really made me giggle. I don’t think I’ve been to a party that could be more apt for the person celebrating

I just love to let my hair down and have fun. Like you Tes. Just the same. Not a show off but you knew how to have fun.

Even now, after everything, I like to enjoy myself..but the next morning I wake and give myself a hard time. All those people that know me. What would they think? There’s that woman who lost her child and she’s out enjoying herself?? These thoughts are of course preposterous. I know that and I’ve learnt by now to quickly diffuse these nagging guilty flames gnawing at my conscience.

Life goes on. That’s the saying isn’t it and it does and it’s great and yet torturous at the same time. Nothing is the same and the loss is at the top of your agenda but it does go on and we choose how in the end.

I talked at length to you Tes, the other day I was trying to explain how life carries on despite any parent thinking it won’t. It does . And we get a choice. I imagine you sitting there next to me with your arms crossed frowning slightly. You were a teenager. The world seemingly and rightly revolved around you and I imagine you’d sit there thinking .. is that it? Is that all the grief I get?? and then maybe you’d go off to your room and then you’d think about it and you’d realise the truth. You get my grief forever and forever and ever.

You also get me making a life for me and you’d want that then we’d hug and talk about it. But there’s no hug just memories and no smile just a memory. No talking. Just a memory.

I’m not sure why I wrote this post maybe I’m justifying myself all over again. It’s hard living with being able to live at times but I know that’s the right way and it’d be your way if you had the choice.

We have a choice ….and live we must baby girl. Miss you more than I could ever say.

Mum xx

Xxx

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