My blog for 12 months has mainly been about coping. I’m aware it’s less emotional and raw these days. I feel a weird sense of evolvement particularly these last two weeks. The run up to the anniversary of when Tes left us was hideous. The run up to her 16th birthday a couple of weeks ago was just well vile, cruel and tormenting.
I’ve built on things I used to do, to help myself. I’ve talked of mindfulness and it’s now an every day event. Even just a few minutes a day, I adore the ability to concentrate on the present moment.
Other things like spending ten minutes alone; driving slower, listening, saying no, saying yes, everything is a little different.
The guilt in making changes that make life better are hard to deal with. Today as I drove home I talked about how most of your friends are enjoying their 16th birthdays. I’m genuinely so happy seeing them living, smiling. However as I said it out loud I had to stifle a howl and a yelp that wanted to leap out of my throat. I don’t stop myself crying but I tend to try and keep them to moments I can yelp and howl. To moments where mascara can trickle down my fair cheeks without me worrying about frightening anyone with my messy face!
Yesterday I woke up and decided I’m going to cook more. I actually said I want to be more like Cerys (find her fab blog called mascaraandmud). She’s always baking or knitting something amazing. I really want to cook more. So here I am in my kitchen basically making a soup out of scraps! A broccoli potato and blue cheese soup with some home made croutons.
It doesn’t sound much perhaps to anyone else but it feels good to find passion to… well live I guess. Whatever it is we all need something to colour our world. Today mine is dark green broccoli and blue cheese…. and a glass of a red!
Happy Sunday all x