On the day you died, I remember saying to your dad, what will we do about Christmas? Weird really to think about that, at that time. My mind whirred ahead. I soon learnt this wasn’t the right way to think. Now I only think ahead in days. One at a time.
I can’t imagine a Christmas without you but I have never imagined a day without you before 21st April 2013. It’s very strange Tes, dealing with your loss and trying to process it and also learn from it. I read about another woman, no partner, just her and her 15yr old, she died this year too and her mum writes that her life was amazing with her daughter and now it is different but she also still wanted it to be an amazing, different life. Reading that made me feel better about how I feel, how I want it to be. Different, yes. Never the same, yes. To be happy, yes.
So Christmas is here. It’s going to be so different emotionally. There’s the inevitable sadness, the missing you, the wishing you were here, the memories of those Christmases gone by.
I remember your first one dressed in a Scooby Doo fur-trimmed dress, you were bald and 8months old. I remember the time Grandad Simon dressed up as Santa and you thought you had worked it out only for Grandad to sit down with us a few minutes later and Santa appeared again (uncle Alec had disappeared though!). I remember the time we cried when Morgan opened up his present from Daf and Em, he was 3 and he just roared with excitement and danced around shouting ‘this is what I’ve always wanted’ at his huge new fluffy Monsters Inc Sully teddy. You had to be there! I remember you dancing on the stage in the nativity play and wiggling your bum! I remember playing bells through the laptop just as you both fell asleep on Christmas Eve and you woke up convinced you’d heard the sleigh. I remember however you being unconvinced by my glitter deer footprints! I remember Santa writing back to you saying how kind it was that you had also thought of your brother when you wrote to him. You were so kind. Recently I remember your excitement at going off with your friends snow boarding and losing your phone, again! I remember you loving the Harry Potter type quill fountain pen and real ink, only to drop the whole ink pot all over your bedroom floor! The stains remain on the floor boards. I remember the skinny jeans and hooded top and the new red converse boots you loved. I remember you politely accepting my silly stocking fillers such as trainer patterned socks and bad perfume. I remember your red stockings of felt that had both your names in black pen that we hung up every year, one each.
I put them away last year to use again.
Hard to believe there are no more Christmases with you. But they were really good ones the memories are lovely.
This year it feels different, it’s in a different perspective. Christmas isn’t the same happy event for everyone, people feel sad and miss those that aren’t around – even a little bit more than usual.
However it is a time for most of us to down tools, spend time together, have a drink, dance and laugh, to play cards, sit by the fire, sledge and walk down frosty roads. To watch a film in the afternoon or sleep lazily, to shop in the sales or to meet up with friends. Feel the day, the moment, the seconds, live a little bit easier, enjoy the warmth. We can use it to love those close a little bit more, be kind, to look after each other and also importantly to love and be kind to ourselves.
As you said often Tes, make every day beautiful.
Happy Christmas Tes and to everyone all around. Have the happiest time you can.