I have never been a believer, religion I mean. Though I did go to Chapel every Sunday as a kid until I was about 14, I think. I can’t say it was that much of a pleasurable experience, the Sunday school teacher was round, grouchy and shouty. We had to colour in pictures of stuff (Jesus, disciples etc.) or complete the bible word search (shepherd, power, command etc). It was like being in school, not just Sunday school, literally school. I also had to wear a dress from Pippa Dee mostly. The one I remember is light green with Peter Pan beige collars and tiny darker green flowers. It was A-line and had a velour strip down the middle. It had those hook clasps to do it up. I wore it with white knee socks. Along with my curly, without product, brushed frizzy hair, it was quite a look. There was only one reason I liked Chapel, we had an Opal Fruit sweet (now known as Starburst) at the end of service. Sometimes, if you coloured in really well, you got two.

So, I’ve never really had a belief. In my teens I’d pray sometimes and apologise for not really believing but when I wanted something badly I’d still pray, just incase.

More recently I’ve become so jealous of those who believe, I’ve no preference for what people believe or which God just the brilliance of believing. I got to know a doctor recently, from Pakistan, a kind, soft, smiling woman. She sympathised with me over Tes, she told me of the loss of her dad and how it had been sudden and she hadnt been able to get to him in time. She held my hand and said it’s ok, you know. It’s only for now. It’s only for now.

Until you’re together again.

I smiled and wished it so. I didn’t believe it so. I wished it. I wished more to have the doctors knowing comfort. I’m just so very envious of that belief. Sadly religion has never grabbed me as I said and it certainly won’t now, no matter how much I might want it to. I still envy it.

There are times when I will Tes to appear. I ask her to. I say please just send me something, a sign. Something, please. But it never comes. Not when I want it.

There are things though, other times and this is the grey bit. The blurry bit. The bit where I ask – am I willing it so much I want to believe? Or is it something? Is it her?

There have been many occurences over the last six months. One that comes to mind is a bit weird but when I’m really down, from nowhere a penny appears and it’s strange and silly, I’ll just be sad and next minute there will be a penny on the floor and I say, thanks Tes. I’ve started collecting them because I thought it might be the same one appearing over and over. It isn’t.

Other times, I have sat, desperate. Tears falling. Just sad, so sad. The weather would be dreary, clouds deathly black and I’ll be missing her, unbearably. Out of absolutely nowhere – the sun has squished itself through and not just sent shiny yellow beaming streams of light, not all around. Directly at me. Hot snuggly warmth. Enveloping me, comforting me.

The reason I talk of these ‘things’ at the moment is because of something significant that happened the other day. I was talking to someone I hadn’t seen properly in years. She has had her own devastating loss and we talked about this, religion, belief, signs. She said that white feathers would appear at times for her, she believed this was a sign, she had taken it to mean a connection to her lost one. Ten minutes later we sat on Tes’s bench, chatting. I looked at her and said, you’ve got something in your hair. I went to pick it out.

A white small feather just sat there.

I held it between my fingers.

We couldn’t speak.

Hard isn’t it? Making sense. Am I searching? Is there something else? I felt so very final after finding Tes, I knew the first second I saw her she had gone. I knew she wasn’t coming back. I’ve desperately wanted to feel her around but I can’t say I have, however I think what I want is to feel her around, to actually really feel that she is around for real, and that won’t be.

So what about the other stuff. Coincidence or not? Who knows? I’d call myself a sceptic. I’d say also I’m desperately hopeful.

I’d say more than anything, one thing.

We don’t know everything.

That’s my belief.



8 thoughts on “Believe.

  1. Interesting musings, Dwysan. I think the subject of whether there is an afterlife becomes of much greater concern when you lose someone close. When my brother was dying, back in 1996, he promised that if he entered into an afterlife of some sort he would send me some sort of sign! Well, seventeen years on I am still waiting, although, as Simon will confirm, I am renowned for being unobservant so he may well be screaming at me in frustration !
    But the whole concept is almost impossible to comprehend. A little like outer space. As you point out, believers can gain enormous comfort that we are all eventually reunited, and spend an eternity in paradise. That’s if you behave of course. I can agree with the threat that if you are naughty you won’t be going to the park, but not that if you are naughty you will burn in hell for ever ! Not the mark of a loving God ! I remember my brother pointing out that there were a lot of people that he didn’t particularly want to see again………..
    And if we are all reunited, are we as we were at our death ? My father died long ago, in 1963, but my Mum lived until just a couple of years ago, aged 95. They were very much in love, but may not now connect, and especially as Mum remarried an American who also died, so that may now be an awkward threesome ! And the second husband was divorced so the first wife is there somewhere………. it is all too much. I must conclude that we leave our earthly bodies behind, and only our spirits survive, so how are we to recognise each other? Name tags ?
    I apologise if I am veering towards the flippant! That is not my intention. I just have to believe that an afterlife, however desirable in some ways, is extremely unlikely for so many reasons.
    But I do believe that something of the deceased, the spirit if you like, lives on within you, and becomes part of you, and that, poor compensation though it may be for their passing, is the source of some comfort for the future.

    Roger xx

    1. Thanks Rog, inciteful and honest as ever. I believe as you do that when we are gone, we are gone. I have waited to feel ‘in shock’ about Tes, I’ve been scared of the shock people keep telling me I’ll feel. I found her and I knew she was dead. I have never been able to pretend that it didn’t happen, I tried to bring her back to life despite knowing there was no chance. I have had a few ‘odd’ moments in life though and I do believe that us humans certainly don’t know it all. I guess I’m just saying that. If anything is based on whether we’ve been good or not then I’m in trouble!

      1. If I have come across as insensitive then I apologise. That really wasn’t my intention. Didn’t fit my mouth filter……
        From here, it seems as though you have coped with a traumatic and devastating event with remarkable strength and resilience. You seem to deal with the dark days very objectively too.
        I think that your ability to look at yourself and analyse and comment on your reactions and emotions is hugely beneficial to your psychology, and your coping mechanism, and your determination to keep Tes close will ensure her afterlife.
        You have my complete admiration.

      2. Not insensitive one bit! So now I’m apologising for making you think that!!! you have been very supportive from afar and I appreciate you taking the time to write to me, to be sad with me and to laugh with me at times, i hopexx

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