I have never been a believer, religion I mean. Though I did go to Chapel every Sunday as a kid until I was about 14, I think. I can’t say it was that much of a pleasurable experience, the Sunday school teacher was round, grouchy and shouty. We had to colour in pictures of stuff (Jesus, disciples etc.) or complete the bible word search (shepherd, power, command etc). It was like being in school, not just Sunday school, literally school. I also had to wear a dress from Pippa Dee mostly. The one I remember is light green with Peter Pan beige collars and tiny darker green flowers. It was A-line and had a velour strip down the middle. It had those hook clasps to do it up. I wore it with white knee socks. Along with my curly, without product, brushed frizzy hair, it was quite a look. There was only one reason I liked Chapel, we had an Opal Fruit sweet (now known as Starburst) at the end of service. Sometimes, if you coloured in really well, you got two.
So, I’ve never really had a belief. In my teens I’d pray sometimes and apologise for not really believing but when I wanted something badly I’d still pray, just incase.
More recently I’ve become so jealous of those who believe, I’ve no preference for what people believe or which God just the brilliance of believing. I got to know a doctor recently, from Pakistan, a kind, soft, smiling woman. She sympathised with me over Tes, she told me of the loss of her dad and how it had been sudden and she hadnt been able to get to him in time. She held my hand and said it’s ok, you know. It’s only for now. It’s only for now.
Until you’re together again.
I smiled and wished it so. I didn’t believe it so. I wished it. I wished more to have the doctors knowing comfort. I’m just so very envious of that belief. Sadly religion has never grabbed me as I said and it certainly won’t now, no matter how much I might want it to. I still envy it.
There are times when I will Tes to appear. I ask her to. I say please just send me something, a sign. Something, please. But it never comes. Not when I want it.
There are things though, other times and this is the grey bit. The blurry bit. The bit where I ask – am I willing it so much I want to believe? Or is it something? Is it her?
There have been many occurences over the last six months. One that comes to mind is a bit weird but when I’m really down, from nowhere a penny appears and it’s strange and silly, I’ll just be sad and next minute there will be a penny on the floor and I say, thanks Tes. I’ve started collecting them because I thought it might be the same one appearing over and over. It isn’t.
Other times, I have sat, desperate. Tears falling. Just sad, so sad. The weather would be dreary, clouds deathly black and I’ll be missing her, unbearably. Out of absolutely nowhere – the sun has squished itself through and not just sent shiny yellow beaming streams of light, not all around. Directly at me. Hot snuggly warmth. Enveloping me, comforting me.
The reason I talk of these ‘things’ at the moment is because of something significant that happened the other day. I was talking to someone I hadn’t seen properly in years. She has had her own devastating loss and we talked about this, religion, belief, signs. She said that white feathers would appear at times for her, she believed this was a sign, she had taken it to mean a connection to her lost one. Ten minutes later we sat on Tes’s bench, chatting. I looked at her and said, you’ve got something in your hair. I went to pick it out.
A white small feather just sat there.
I held it between my fingers.
We couldn’t speak.
Hard isn’t it? Making sense. Am I searching? Is there something else? I felt so very final after finding Tes, I knew the first second I saw her she had gone. I knew she wasn’t coming back. I’ve desperately wanted to feel her around but I can’t say I have, however I think what I want is to feel her around, to actually really feel that she is around for real, and that won’t be.
So what about the other stuff. Coincidence or not? Who knows? I’d call myself a sceptic. I’d say also I’m desperately hopeful.
I’d say more than anything, one thing.
We don’t know everything.
That’s my belief.