Life is too short.
How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said it? How many times have you thought about what it really means when you say it? Probably like me, you say it but you don’t actually really think it means much to you, you say it to others because it’s a flippant way of saying, love your life, live your life, look at your life, enjoy it while you’re here, while you can. You don’t say it or think that it really can be ever so short,
The other day I was thinking of Tes and I have this horrible awful thing sometimes. Envy. Of how long people live. When Tes died someone told me that when they’d lost someone at a young age they began reading obituaries and became jealous of people who died at a ‘normal’ age, thinking how ‘lucky’ they were, I was quite shocked at the time. Now I know what they felt. I was thinking how Tes was supposed to be on this planet for at least another 60 years. 60 years! 60 years of a life cut short. I was totally overwhelmed at the sadness, of what she could have achieved.
Yet I smiled at what she did achieve in her short life and at the fullness of it. She thrived on being herself, of opening herself up to criticism, of standing her ground, she took an interest in politics and she would cry at unfairness. She would read and re read thousand of books, she would write and enter competitions with her stories. She would put herself forward as a book reviewer, she stretched herself in subjects that she wasnt ‘top of the class’ at like drama. She would stick up for anyone having a hard time and seek out new people at the school or those on their own, wanting to show a friendly smile. She loved the diversity of life and people. Those attributes, some adults never reach.
Weird really how we know life could be short and really even a hundred years is a small amount of time – but we still don’t seem to give it our best shot, not always. There are still people fighting with each other over the tiniest of things, still people holding on to grudges, still people who have dreams that they will not try to fulfil, people who love someone they’ll never tell and people who stay put, unable to leave. We still fret about crumbs and dust and who has what. And that’s because we’re human, I know.
I am also that person sometimes – but I’ve spent a long time in my short life particularly the last 15 years trying to change something into a positive. I spent a long time for the first half of my life being negative, feeling sorry for myself, I’d had a hard time so I felt I could feel sorry for myself, I could blame someone else. I was anxious, I had panic attacks for years, I didn’t have the confidence to be who I knew I was, I failed at school and didn’t try to fulfil my dreams.
Then, I read a book one day that changed my life. I was in Australia and I picked up ‘Feel the fear and do it it anyway’. I was 22 and I’d spent a lifetime worrying, up to that point. It took a few more years to put the book fully into practice, to learn to talk to myself nicely, to believe in what I could do, to go back to school and eventually university, to believe I could get a ‘good job’, to be who I am, to fight and be passionate about my beliefs while also opening up my mind to other peoples beliefs. It took a while to stop being anxious, to stop blaming someone else. It took a while to realise I was in control of my future and I could do anything I want. It took longer to accept myself and be me. By the time I had Tes I was getting there and I like to think a bit of me rubbed off on her, on both of my children,
Losing Tes has been the biggest challenge of my life. My mantra of ‘seeing the positive’ in everything has been tested to the max. I’m not there yet but I keep trying. There are always going to be those challenges in life and I will continue to be reminded that life indeed can be short and search out the courage every day to try and live each day to be the best one it can be.
Some days are easier than others, but really, life is too short.
Xx Dwysan Xx