To the future

I had a message a couple of months ago from another family who had lost their son, a few years ago. In it they said – now they always think of him smiling and laughing. It terrified me. My overriding images of Tes were not laughter but ones without life, ones with pain at her loss and sometimes one with never ending angry questions of why you, why us, what have we done? Why wasn’t I having all these nice memories?

Grief is a mind altering process, some thoughts I wouldn’t share because thankfully most of you won’t understand how your once sensible mind becomes temporarily twisted with questions that have no answers. Why her? That’s one of them of course. Why anyone, I suppose.

It’s not 4 months yet, but it is almost 4 months. The Summer holidays will be over soon, then it will be Christmas. Sometimes I’m annoyed that time still sweeps by so quickly, how can time just tick along like nothing has happened? Another daft question, with no answer.

So, I was terrified as I read the card, I wracked my mind for memories of Tes laughing and I couldn’t, the more I thought, the worse it became, I thought all my memories would be gone and replaced with these black ones, the more I thought, the worse it got, wanting something so badly got in the way.

The thing is, you can’t force a memory. When you first lose someone so special, loved, so yours, happy memories are brief and distant, but importantly they are there. Now and again, more often already I’ll see a picture or read a word that will trigger such a powerful image of Tesni laughing that I can actually hear her. The other day i saw her pink cowboy hat, we bought it at a Girls Aloud concert when she was about six. It rained so we made a ‘den’ out of the chairs, put our coats over the top and sat underneath watching Cheryl et al in our pink cowboy hats eating ice cream, giggling in our makeshift tent.

Laughter, it’s what you make isn’t it, it’s what life should be about, if we all lived to make people happy and therefore laugh, what a great world we’d have! I spent a lot of time trying to make Tes and Morgs laugh. Easier when they’re little of course, stories of how the teletubbies had secret tea parties in our garden always brought a smile, joining in with the imaginary shoe shop that Tes had in the garden made her beam. The food fight chaos that Morgan began as he sat in his high chair is sill one of my favourites, we all laughed until it hurt, Tes’s eyes like mine would involuntarily fill with happy tears as she threw her head back giggling.

Tes kept on laughing, she made the most of everything, she was who she wanted to be. So, it’s early days but through the difficult hours a happy thought or memory appears and I have no doubt now, like the card said, one day all my memories will be ones of smiles and laughter at the wonderful life Tes had.

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