Dear Tes,

Dear Tes,

Dear Tes,

So, we went on our holiday, the one we booked together, the one we showed Lois that night when she came over and we all watched Shark Tale while eating crisps and popcorn! She thought it looked lovely and I said she could come with us next time…

While we were there it was 3 months to the day from when we lost you, it’s still an unimaginable pain, one impossible to describe, you can just feel it, because it’s happened, to us.

I couldn’t imagine being there in Cala Blanca without you, but you know what – it was the right thing to do.

Everything is different now, there were three of us in the car making our way sleepily to the airport, driving through sunrise and still roads. There were three of us queuing (as it so happens in the wrong queue for a while – Orlando sounded fun though!) to check-in. Three of us munch on pricey airport breakfast and the three of us board the plane with perfectly made up air stewards and sit chewing on refreshers ( my favourite) using the excuse our ears might pop to carry on eating some more.

I wrote once about a mothers guilt, when you were still here, in it I said that it’s just there for some reason, self made guilt and I also said that neither Morgan or you had ever made me feel guilty for anything.. Yet here it was, guilt creeping in.

I had a holiday and I enjoyed it.

There, I said it out loud.

I wish more than anything you would have been with us, I’d do anything to have you back, I miss you ever hundredth of a second and I just think of you all the time, I took your holiday t-shirt from last year and packed it in my bag along with your Harry Potter book and a photo of you that I love, natural and smiling, bright happy eyes so I could give you a kiss whenever I wanted.

I hope, I really hope that you’d be proud of me, of all of us, that we’re surviving, that we get up each day and despite what we feel inside we make a decision to live and to allow happiness to settle in our bones, however briefly and different it may be.

The island of Menorca is beautiful, Cala Blanca is peaceful, the roads are flat and they have the most amazing sunsets which drive people to congregate and watch the sun dipping into the sea – couples young and old clinging to each other, bored toddlers, teenagers on their bikes, cameras all pointing and soaking up the last of the orange warmth.

The apartment was as I expected but it also had a balcony overlooking a cove of perfectly turquoise sea, calm, clear, quiet. From here local children come together after school and jumped in, there are about four ledges that have been made especially it seems and there are no rocks in the water. It’s quite impressive and I’m sure you may have liked some of the local boys with their tanned glow! One of the highest points is about 20ft up and some of them dive backwards and do a back roll before reaching the water. Impressive! On the fourth day we pondered at the edge and after some deliberation, we all did it, not in such an emphatic way, mine was more like falling off than jumping but it still felt good!

I think I’m a bit different now, that saying ‘life is too short’ has never rung truer in my ears and I think I’m becoming a little bit braver in my choices. Though Morgan may disagree, particularly when we hired the pedalo with a slide which we took out beyond the swimmers. Morgan went first, then Claire, then eventually me. I splashed ungraciously into the perfect emerald water then they started pedalling off without me, very funny – you know how scared I am what may live in the sea!!

It was so hot we mostly stayed by the pool but we had our lilos and rubber ring and a ball which as you know brings a lot of fun to us! There was the ‘how far can you walk on top of a lilo’ game, there was the ‘can you get three people on a lilo ‘ game. There was the usual ‘ jumping on and through the rubber ring’ game. You loved doing that in Portugal last year. There was the ‘can I run along two lilos and jump through the ring’ game. The answer to that is no by the way. We played volleyball, piggy in the middle, water tag and just plain swimming races. Lots of fun with some real laughs.

One thing which we did that I thought ‘Tes would hate this’, we went on a cycle ride!! Yes, in that heat. But it was beautiful, all along the sea shore, sun beginning to lower, the shadow of yachts floating without sound, a warm breeze but most importantly, no hills!

I thought of you as I ate my Greek salad (almost every night!) and knew you’d be tucking into one too, you’d be sitting in your summer top with short shorts, long legs and wavy curly hair, your freckles would have been peeking through on your dainty nose. I’m sure you enjoyed the funny moment where I took a dress that I had lent you, a turquoise summery one from Oasis – I tried it on and it was full of holes and rips!!! I’m guessing that you may have used it in one of your ‘fancy dress’ parties with your friends! Cheers Tes!

I wrote most of this on the balcony one early morning on my own, just about to get ready fresh melon, croissants, jam and cheese with some orange juice and a cuppa for everyone. The waves crashed gently and the warm wind moved everything slightly and the whole time I thought of you and how much Tes I literally ‘wished you were here’.
I love you so much,
Mum xxxxx

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5 thoughts on “Dear Tes,

  1. Really beautiful and so moving Dwys, your words bring Tesni so close, her presence is palpable. x x x x

  2. Aw Dwysan, that story brought tears to both Jason and I – big hugs, your all so brave and strong, Tes I’m sure is most definitely proud. xxx

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