Your in my mind constantly, I know I will never ever forget the touch of your skin, how I always ran my finger down your nose and for some reason called you chicken(!), the soft of your back when I tickled you or played names for you to guess, your curly messy hair, your hazel eyes or your long fingers and perfect mouth.
However I also do stuff, things, to keep you close.
I sleep with the jumper we bought together from H&M just a few weeks before, it was a new colour for you, a bright green, it really suited you. It took me weeks to bring myself to wash it as it was in the laundry bin already and I knew I’d have to dry it and I knew you wouldn’t ever wear it again. Now it’s under my pillow.
Gromit. Yep, I sleep with him now, wow he is so cuddly and squishy and soft. You loved Wallace and Gromit and you had him for your birthday when you were 7. Hope you don’t mind me stealing him.
Routine. I close you’re curtains every night, I walk into your room every night before I go to bed and blow you a kiss as if you are there. Every morning I open the curtains and at the weekends I even open them a bit later especially on Sunday’s as you’d normally still be in bed at twelve. I know you’re not there, but it just makes me feel better.
Your room is as it was Tes, I don’t know when that’ll change. And I mean the same, I still sometimes cringe when people go in it as I always did at your messy ways! Make up on the floor as you go in, blue tack stains on the walls, posters everywhere, empty envelopes from your book deliveries, earrings on the floor, clothes hanging out your cupboard, school bag with your school clothes thrown on top, odd socks EVERYWHERE, your favourite red converse boots by the fireplace, a onesie ready for you to wear to bed, your laptop on the floor next to a picture of Morgs and I, sweet wrappers and half eaten chocolate that I brought you back from Bulgaria on your shelf. Just as it was.
Sometimes I nip to your room to ‘borrow’ things still, a bobble here, a clip there, sometimes it feels odd like I’m stealing almost because I can’t ask but I don’t think you’d mind. I’ve found quite a few pairs of my shoes in your drawers! Wondered where they had got to!
Pictures, memorabilia – I always have loved cards and words within them, they provide me now with smiles and tears, I kept most of yours and Morgans drawings and now they act as a catalyst of feelings and warmth. Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well and something fell in the kitchen, it was a picture you had drawn to me when you were about six, I’d felt poorly and you drew a picture of me and of you (identical outfits!) and above it telling me to ‘get well soon’. That was quite a surreal moment, but perhaps a coincidence or a sign I’m just wanting to see.
We talk, I talk about you often, today Daf was telling me about Ifan and that he reminded him of me, bossy (what does he mean?). Telling everyone what to do, just like you Tes! Also Daf said he’s always got an answer. Just like you! I talked about the time you begged for your ears pierced for months then pulled them out days later because they hurt – then we had to go back and get them pierced again a week later! It was your way or no way most the time! (reminds me of someone………………….)
I found a lovely silver bracelet in your room – I wear it every day, I did wear the one with your name made of beads but it broke one day so I fixed it together and have put it next to your photo. I try not to get too attached to things in case I lose them – but having some of your things closer just makes it feel every so slightly less painful.
The last few weeks have been hard, harder really, we are getting to that ‘pissed off’ stage, why us, why you, why this? Why have our lives been turned upside down? Sometimes I don’t recognise myself, I worked hard to become a positive, assertive, confident and hopefully fun person over my adults years. Parts of the original me peek out now and again but the sadness inside all of us is overwhelming. I bumped into a friend who had lost her husband tragically a couple of years ago, she had the same sadness in her eyes but she held my hand and told me it will ease. Apparently one day I’ll wake up and the sky will seem blue and we will want to go to the beach. Instead of forcing ourselves to go.
In the meantime, we keep going and we will keep going.
One last thing to keep you close to me is writing. It’s rambles of memories and moments but effortlessly keeps you stronger and forever within me. You always loved that I wrote and I loved that you wrote – in your memory I keep going Tes, we all do, just a little bit quieter than before.
Love you sweetheart x