First steps….

First steps....

Hard week this week Tes – and perhaps not one of my most positive posts. Half term, holidays, time for you, Tes, to be here, lying in bed, chilling out, watching TV, drinking tea, eating breakfast at 1pm. We missed you, all of us. It’s hard Tes, really hard. Got me thinking about all the firsts we have had already, the first things without you.

1. The first hurdle after you had gone was saying goodnight. I had this routine, it changed as you got older, you’d say goodnight downstairs, I’d come up and we’d chat for a few minutes or longer maybe depending on what you were doing! You’d go to bed. I’d go downstairs and then later I’d go to bed and I’d come into your room, but always I went to Morgans room first (just a silly routine) – if you were awake I’d kiss your forehead and say goodnight, if you were asleep I’d watch you breathe and blow you a kiss. You were always a light sleeper so I didn’t like to wake you. Latterly you would sleep with either your mobile phone clenched in your fist or your notebook open on your lap – I always thought that was funny – sometimes you left your phone open in Facebook and I’d be very tempted to have a look but I didn’t (mostly!)

2. The mornings – every morning I’d get up, you’d be up before me because you had got into this routine of crazy hair straightening but lately you’d accepted your curls a little more. I’d always look in and you’d be sitting on your knees by the door with your pink straighteners and your box of very messy make up. Face-wipes would be scrunched on the floor and strewn across your room there would be odd socks. I’d go downstairs and make 3 cups of tea (Morgan doesn’ t like tea in the morning) – I’d bring you one up and put it on the radiator to keep warm and kiss you good morning. You’d be busy trying to look pretty because you didn’t think you were. I tried not say you looked just as pretty without any make up because I could hear my mum saying it to me and I didn’t believe her either. I actually thought you looked lovely with or without.

3. Dinner times – it has taken us some weeks to sit down at the table together. For some reason it was something I always instilled even when it was just the three of us for all those years – I liked to think there was one time in the day when we all sat down. Now your chair is empty and we have struggled to have this time together but we have. Tonight you would have laughed as Morgan was singing his new ‘song’ to us. We’d often laugh over dinner or play a game of cards; you’d roll your eyes at me as I always forgot the rules!

4. Birthdays – since you’ve been gone, we had Morgan’s birthday then Nannas, in a week or so it’ll be Fins, mine and Sams, and we had yours Tes. I cherish the cards you made me and wrote to me, never have I been so glad to have kept each one from the ‘pili pala’ in Miri Meithrin to the ones you had made with photos of you, me and Morgan. I still have your Kindle from us in my drawer for your birthday and I can’t work out what to do with it Tes. I look at the picture of your last birthday with 14 candles and really really find it hard to believe that would be your last one. I miss you.

5. Coming home – when I came home from work, I’d know you’d be sitting on the sofa with your laptop, phone, TV and revision. I imagine you a lot just sitting there waiting for me as I drive back from work – you’d always ask me how my day went and chat with me about yours. I can see your face, your glasses, your smile. Clearly. You’d tell me about school and more often than not you’d giggle about drama so much I didn’t know what you meant but it’d make me beam to see you so happy.

6. Washing, cooking, ironing – now only for three not four – it’s so so weird and maybe just too hard to talk about. How much pasta do you need for 3? No longer needing to think of four different meals (you were so fussy Tes and I have never been so glad that I just cooked you what you liked!). I moaned about ironing every Sunday, I hate ironing – but now there is so much less and I would do anything to have more of it. Silly things like that are hard to bare.

7. Post – letters/magazines coming through for you. Mostly to be fair they are books, the first parcel that arrived was a book and thereafter are book magazines and also recently quite oddly there was an eye lazer treatment brochure – so you were thinking of that huh? I always thought glasses suited you!

8. Saturday nights – my favourite night with you and Morgan – Claire and Morgs have pepperoni pizza to share and you and I have the veggi option, cheese and tomato pizza – now it is so weird as I have to cut half of mine and freeze it and then I don’t eat it. We always bought four scratch cards and every week would argue about how we would share the money if we won, we never did!

9. Friends – seeing your friends do what you should be doing, going to the cinema, eating out, studying for exams, stressing out, arguing, fretting, being in love. Words can’t express how much I miss that you won’t do those things but I really get so much comfort from seeing your friends having their lives, having fun, enjoying. Some of my best days are when your friends have taken the time from their busy lives to come and see me. You really had amazing people around you Tes and so you should.

10. You – being without you, from the first second to now, six weeks and a day on – that is the hardest part. When we have children, we accept that we are not with them all the time, once you went away with your dad for a week to Majorca. I remember being quite jealous when you said once that had been your best holiday! You were stung by a jellyfish and I fretted as I couldn’t be there. You told me about you and Morgan hiding in the hotel room under the bed when the cleaner came in! Back to you – so I did once spend a week without you but now it’s been six weeks and a day without you. A first and one that won’t end unfortunately. It feels such a long long time.

I have said all the way through that I believe there are only two choices, we get up or we don’t. I know that these ‘firsts’ will carry on for some time Tes, possibly forever – whenever they may appear, one thing to be grateful for, despite the hurt they’ll continue to remind me of you and our firsts together from the moment you were born to the very moment you went.

Forever in my heart my first born, love you x

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6 thoughts on “First steps….

  1. Beautifully written description of loss and carrying on, but saying that as all your posts are beautifully worded . I agree “the firsts” are always so difficult , yet so are reminders the sillest things can set you off in my experience . Finn xx

    1. Thanks, very kind coming from one who writes so amazingly! True, the small stuff, even it seems almost nothing can set off a huge response, a memory, smell, a word or place. Guess that means she’s everywhere xx

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