Small smiles….


On my blog I’d started a thing where I wrote about what made me smile last week.  The last one included a bit where ‘i’d bought someone a birthday present’.  That was for you Tes, it’s so hard to read and know that a few days later everything changed.  The pain of your loss is so massive I actually can’t put it into words or feelings, I feel like you are sitting on my shoulder every day.  Sometimes you sit there and I get on and do some work and sometimes you sit there and I despair.  You were almost as tall as me and you would come for a cuddle and sit on my knee and you’d be as big as me and I miss that, the weight of you sitting on me and cwtching up, I miss all of you.

Yet, for some unknown reason, there have still been things to smile about Tes and sometimes I feel guilty about that but I keep telling myself that you would want us to smile, you would want us to laugh, you will want us to dance again one day in the kitchen.  I know what you would want.

So to help me really, to help me focus on the future and to keep me holding on to hope, this week I need to dig deeper than before, but these are the things that have made me smile….

  1.  No surprise here that number one on the list is Lolly my new puppy Jackapoo! I’ve always wanted a handbag dog (and wow are there some great handbags!).  My idea was met initially by a resounding nooooooooooooooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyyyyyyy on Friday at about 3pm, by 8pm we were planning on where she would sleep and by Saturday we had found Lolly.  Can’t wait to pick her up at the weekend J
  2. Ffranc – my lovely nephew, he made me smile and hold back the tears all in one go when his i-spy letter was T, he described it as being far away and you couldn’t see it anymore – I did try to guess for ages and I even said tardis so I don’t know why I didn’t get it. Tes he said. My sister-in-law and I just held back the tears and said oh good one Ffranc! There were also others like s for small and s for stingy nettles and also my other favourite ch for chree. Love him.
  3. Friends – I had a text that said do you need anything – cheese, wine, company? All of the above I said in jest.  That evening I got home to cheese, wine and also a night had been arranged for the gang to come over.  I get truly emotional when I think how lucky I am to have the friends I’ve got around me, I’ll never ever forget their kindness.
  4. Mother – on her quad bike.  I had lunch with my boss in our village pub this Sunday and we heard a huge noise outside and a shiny red quad whizzed passed – oh that’s my mum I said.  Your mum?? He said. Yep. I said.  I guess they imagined a greying woman in her 70s.  My nanna is soooo cool said my son.  Yes. She. Is.
  5. A teletubby book.  Tes loved, when I say loved, was obsessed with the tubbies.  Everyday at 10am we’d sit and wait for the baby and the sunshine and Po.  I found the book the other day, held together by tape due to much handling.  I made a cardboard Po once and when you opened the door of her tummy there was a picture of Tes inside, they showed it on the BBC for her 2nd birthday, her face was a picture.  The book brings back such happy memories.
  6. Names – I’ve been off for a few weeks and we’re in the middle of a big renovation project at my work place.  When I returned, my colleague kept telling me about the builder Paul, Paul this, Paul that.  In the end I said I really don’t know who you are talking about – you know Paul, the brummy she said.  Do you mean Steve? I said.  No Paul, she said, the brummy guy, the joiner.  Steve, I said.  Oh, she said.  She’d called him Paul for weeks, fair play he answers to Paul and Steve now.
  7. Talking of Paul/Steve – I was chatting to him about Lolly (the jackapoo!) yesterday, he asked if I’d send him a picture of her because his wife wanted a small dog. So I obliged.  When I walked in today, he stood with his son-in-law (who works for him) – they both had their arms crossed and stared at me.  You owe me £700 they said.  What?? I said – what’s happened? We’re getting two ‘Lolly’s’ at the weekend, thanks to you, they said smiling! The power of the picture of a pup sitting on its own!
  8. A friend of Tes’s who she didn’t see that often approached me and asked could she write her English presentation about Tes because she wanted to write about her passion for equal rights.  What an honour I felt that she invoked those ideas in other people.
  9. My son – we have forever eaten dinner together but lately I keep getting the ‘can you keep mine warm?’ request which I have obliged.  Would you make your son eat with you when he could be playing ‘man hunt’ with ten others or be throwing themselves in the river (waist deep I might add!) or kicking a ball around in the sunshine.  No, you can’t! I love this village, such an amazing place to bring up children
  10. Family – that hug that needs no words, the squish on the couch, the phone-call of comfort and the impulse visits with 2 massive bars of chocolate and stories that you can’t help giggle at. We are still family, we are still whole because Tes you are forever here and always will be.



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