Days x

Days

A few people have said that one day I should write down my thoughts about grief and how to deal with it, people have said it could be helpful to others, I’m not sure if it would be or not.  I have tried desperately to look at the loss of Tes in the most positive way possible.  That may sound weird – but I hate the thought of it, her life, being viewed as this negative black awful tragedy.  Yes her dying suddenly at fourteen without warning is awful.  Yes finding her and trying to bring her back alive was horrific.  But to that point, her life was, really was, wonderful and I don’t want to concentrate on her death, I don’t want to think about that moment I found her every Sunday and I will try not to think of the 21^st April 2013 as a significant day in my life, yes it’s the day I lost her but I want to remember the more important times, not just birthdays or Christmas but other days.

***

I want to remember you Tes and all the love that surrounded you and how happy you made me feel.

Like the day you came home from school at five years old and you were fed up and it turned out you didn’t like something at school, I was surprised and said but you always are happy coming back from school – that’s because I’m coming home to you mum, she said!

Or the day when you went missing at a party for a few minutes about 18 months ago and I noticed a boy you had been dancing with also wasn’t in sight! Most unlike you! A few minutes later you appeared and you told me excitedly later that night that you’d had a kiss, a proper kiss! I was so pleased that you could tell me that I couldn’t be mad at you for it!

Or the day your brother was born and you ran into the hospital ward so excited, I had been so worried you might have been jealous but you beamed literally from ear to ear, you were forever running to get nappies and talking to him, talking for him mostly until your last day. You got up at 5.30am every day for the next few years for fear of missing out on anything with your little brother!

Then there’s the day when you were two and you were talking to someone in a way I had not seen before and I asked you who you were talking to, you didn’t ever do that imaginary play thing.  Just ‘taid Ruthin’ you said calmly and carried on.  Your dad’s grandfather, who had passed away a few weeks before.   I wasn’t scared, I’m not religious and I never knew really what that moment was except that it felt natural and not strange at all.  I think about that moment a lot now.

Of course there’s the day you picked up your first Harry Pottery book at 4, your teacher said that it was impossible that you could read it and was quite scathing of the idea.  I think she changed her mind when you talked incessantly about the contents for the next 10 years! I have never read the books but I think I just might now J

There was a day when you started high school at eleven that I remember clearly as you were so upset at someones racist comments talking about immigrants in the country and another who said they would never vote for the Labour government because they were pro gay-marriage.  You said to me that you didn’t know ‘people thought like that’ because you thought all people were like me.

Then there’s the day I found you crying in your bedroom last year – I was so worried as you said it was something to do with school.  I thought someone had been horrible to you but turned out you were crying because someone wasn’t being nice with someone else in your class.  You were so frustrated at their behaviour and at the injustice of it all.  I found your compassion for others inspirational.

There’s that day that we went to Euro Disney, I was so excited to take you there and then you refused to go on any ride! I eventually persuaded you to go on the teacups which we could’ve gone on at Rhyl fair!

We had a fabulous day at the P!NK concert, I was so proud that you came with me, we danced and jumped around the place and then you fell asleep in the car on the way home, only to wake up in the same place an hour later, the traffic was terrible!

There are of course other days where we didn’t fare so well! Nobody is perfect! Most recently when I didn’t thank you in exactly the way you thought I should when you gave me the mascara and lipstick for Mothers day – you rolled your eyes at me and we had words. Or the day you casually asked me to drop you off aged 13, in the city of Birmingham to go and watch The Midnight Beast, you couldn’t believe it when I said no!  We didn’t have many cross words – I think I was probably one of the few people you found it difficult to get one up on!

***

So you see, there are many many days I’ll remember Tes.  At the moment I am living hour by hour, not day by day because it isn’t helpful for me to look too far ahead.  There will be a future, a new one, one in which Tes will continue to live all around me, just one with different days.